Answers to Nothing opens with a beautiful tale of love in WWII France. When we return to present day, we find the tale’s narrator Ryan (Dane Cook) enjoying oral sex. When Ryan is, for lack of a better word, *finished*, he has his benefactor deposit the result in a specimen cup to take to his wife; she is at an In Vitro clinic awaiting his, for lack of a better word, sample.
I’ll give you this – you have my attention.
Here’s a thought – if you want to make a film in which big ideas are discussed and then backed away from as if there’s no responsibility within the discussion, then by all means put Dane Cook as your leading man; he’s as empty as they come.
Did writer/director Matthew Leutwyler wake up one day and say, “I wanna make a film in which the title is deliberately pretentious and yet absolves me of all responsibility at the same time?” Well, guess what? The film followed suit. Answers to Nothing is one of those heroless, multiple-story-tenuous-connection-thread, humorless, unpleasant, dour expressions of antimirth perfected by the late Robert Altman. Good recent examples of the genre include Crash and Babel, each of which you may note have vociferous critics. This type of film generally has three problems: 1) the jumbled plots often hide the fact that none of the stories can stand its own. That’s not the case here; the individual stories did have merit. 2) These movies almost completely lack for smiles. “Nothing” here serves as both film title and number of jokes told. 3) Without a central figure, it’s hard to root for what’s left.
Answer to Nothing’s biggest problem is a dearth, nay null set, of characters you want to follow.
Take for instance the story involving Drew (Miranda Bailey). She spends all her life taking care of vegetable-brother Erik (Vincent Vatresca). Vincent has one of the worst roles ever written. In 90% of his screen time, he’s a living corpse, which, as if such isn’t bad enough, also includes wearing a silly helmet while sis jogs him from place to place while training for a marathon, and a bathtub scene with two full frontal nudity shots. Naked vegetable. Mmmmmmm. The other 10% of the time he gets a flashback scene where he flirts shamelessly with his sister (?!) and they both discuss why he wears a moustache that makes him look like a gay porn extra. When people point to acting as a chosen profession, I point to roles like this … Vincent is a success story; he found work. And Drew spends her life taking care of Erik the Bread. Whether she does this out of love or guilt or both is not entirely clear. More than 50% of her screen time is spent drenched in either water or sweat. It’s not a good look. She’s unemployed, being unable to both work and take care of her brother, and she’s fighting their parents for custody. Again, wannabe screen-stars, this is a success story. Now, the $64,000 question: where can you go with this storyline? She wins custody – she gets to remain unemployed and slowly watch her ability to care for her brother deteriorate just like her personal life. She loses custody, her life reaches a level even lower than where she is now. Add to that the idea that Drew isn’t exactly charismatic or realistic. What do you root for here? And why did you choose to make Drew such a basket case? She is better off without the burden of Erik and only the audience seems to know it.
Other characters include the two-timing Dane, who wants neither relationship. Then there’s his disillusioned wife, who clearly believes having a baby, any baby is an answer. There’s also the jellyfish cop, the Prime Suspect wannabe detective, the racist black woman, and some guessing as to who is the kidnapper/pedophile in the police story line. I’d feel your pain if even one of you were the slightest bit enjoyable on screen.
So what is this Altman-esque film really about? Well I’ve got an Answer for you.
Rated R, 124 Minutes
D: Matthew Leutwyler
W: Matthew Leutwyler and Gillian Vigman
Genre: The Altman Shuffle
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The ghost of Robert Altman
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People who need a rooting interest
