My God’s better than your God
My God’s better I know-o-o-o
My God’s better ‘cause he eats Ken-L Ration can so beat Satan
My God’s better than yours
I accuse many a film of being plotless. I throw the word around cavalierly as it turns out, because while other “plotless” films may have some unfulfilled semblance of story, like a writer searching for himself in Puerto Rico, a 50s father bullying his sons into manhood, or some ditz falling in love with a vampire, these films are all amateurs in the plotless ranks.
80% (Ochenta por ciento) of El Gran Milagro (a.k.a. The Greatest Miracle, but I wouldn’t know that one; mine was entirely in Spanish, and without subtitles) is spent in a church. Yup. Nothin’ like people praying on screen. It combines the intense action of coma patients with the clever wordplay of mimes. And then the angels come out. Terrific. I was hoping to be preached at; it’s my favorite thing.
Back to the plot: a woman gets in a fight with her son because she has to go to work. A bus driver gets distraught after hearing some troubling news. Both decide to give the day job a rest and spend the day in church. Oh, and there’s an old woman missing from her home because she’s already in church. Angels come and help them see things in a better light. And there it was. The plot that is. Did you miss it? Want me to repeat it?
Between the lines, El Gran Milagro is a film that believes two pretty unimaginable things: 1) that everybody is Catholic and 2) that sermons make for entertainment. As neither of these things is true, even among your most devout of fans, it is hard to recommend this film … to anybody. Now, clearly, I’m not the target audience. Question is, suppose I were. Here’s me: Hispanic, Catholic, on the edge and in need of a good preachin’, would this film appeal to me? No. It would still need a plot and a serious dose of the “get over yourselves.”
Mostly, El Gran Milagro begs the question, “exactly how difficult is it to make a 3D film these days?” The answer is, “Not a whole hell-of-a-lot.” Depends, of course, on whether you care if normal people will wish to attend your film, of course. Have you ever seen an ad for Academy of Art College? You know, “attend here and we’ll teach you how to draw this.” Well, those commercials have better animation than this film. There are video games from the 1990s with better art work and more realistic people/movement. Video games. What does it take to make a 3D film? A semester at Academy of Art, about $20 worth of film … and faith. I’ll give it this – El Gran Milagro certainly doesn’t lack for faith.
Rated PG, 70 Minutes
D: Bruce Morris
W: Luis De Velasco
Genre: Sermon
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Archbishop Oscar Romero
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Movie watchers
A shout out to Dan and Tim, both of whom helped me endure this one. Sorry, fellas, next movie outing will be better. I promise.
