The metaphor of New Year’s Eve is lost on me. “The clock moved. The Earth completed yet another rotation about the sun. Woohoo!” Even the critic in me, however, had to admit that February 14 means little more than January 1 and yet I quite enjoyed much of Valentine’s Day. Same film here, right?
Not so much.
New Year’s Eve lies in the romance wing of the Robert Altman compilation of loosely tied short stories spectrum. The best example of this film is Love Actually, which, coincidentally, is the only good example of this film. If it wasn’t written by Richard Curtis, I wouldn’t trust anybody else on it. As this is also the type of film in which you won’t remember a single character’s name, let’s just go through the stories best-to-worst style using real names instead of characters, Ok?
Two-and-a-half-stars: Michelle Pfeiffer makes a good fairy of Zac Efron. For those playing at home, Michelle is currently 53, Zac is 25 and Zac’s “sister”, Sarah Jessica Parker, is 46. This is the thread in which NYC gets to show off all the things you can do in NYC. Ok, we’re impressed. Now go away.
Two stars: Stuck in an elevator with Ashton Kutcher and Lea Michelle. Oh look, it’s pretty people who are suddenly helpless, aw. Wait a minute – NYC apartment elevator with chain-link enclosure. Two questions: 1) How are you stuck? It’s chain link, not steel, for the love of Pete. 2) Aren’t you freezing? It’s NYC on New Year’s; they heat a lot of chain link slum apartment elevators, do they?
Two stars: Josh Duhamel races to the big city for a date with destiny. The resolution spoils what was otherwise a decent tale.
One-and-a half stars: Abigail Breslin defies mom Sarah Jessica Parker in search of her would-be beau. Breslin gets all the stars here on the strength of Zombieland and Little Miss Sunshine. 1 ½ is kind at that. Sarah Jessica Parker has now officially evolved beyond an ability to entertain me.
One-and-a-half stars: Jon Bon Jovi, playing the star singing act for NYE, tries to rekindle with Katherine Heigl. We are saved from evaluating how awful this romance is by the unforgivable Christmas hamming of Sofía Vergara as Katherine’s slutty friend. Ugh.
One star: Robert DeNiro in a hospital bed awaiting one last ball drop. Honestly don’t care. Cary Elwes and Alyssa Milano show up to remind us they exist.
One star: Halle Berry looks stunning for a surprise date. This one feels like a tack-on.
One star: Jessica Biel and Sarah Paulson duke it out for first baby of the New Year. I have no doubt this happens – people plan on New Year babies to win prizes or whatever. And yet it’s so tacky and such a trivialization of birth I’m irritated just thinking about it. Well, that and the line, “ladies, start your va-jay-jays” delivered not unlike an auto race cue. Easily, nay very easily, the worst cinema line of 2011.
One-half star: Hilary Swank in charge of the ball drop. There is a zero percent chance this particular job would go to someone who is 1) so young, 2) so out of his/her depth 3) so lacking in confidence 4) afraid of heights or 5) so tentative. Terrible story line. Hilary getting to make the “why New Year’s is important” speech unifying this piece-of-shit idea is the only mark of merit in this particular thread.
So when you have the big sing-off scene, you include Jon Bon Jovi, sure. And Lea Michelle; yeah, I get that. How about Zac Efron? Does he not get to sing? And why have a movie with singing, have Zac Efron in your movie with singing, and have Zac not sing? You know what, I’m gonna make a basketball movie, having the casting director invite Michael Jordan, and then have him play charades.
But if there’s any one overriding disappointment of New Year’s Eve it’s this: the only thing I really know about the ball drop is, “If you can’t get laid in Times Square on New Year’s Eve, you can’t get laid.” Nine (9!) different story lines in this setting at this time and not a single one mentioned the line? C’mon, Garry. Don’t pretend for one moment it’s all about the romance; your film isn’t funny enough as is.
Rated PG-13, 118 Minutes
D: Garry Marshall
W: Katherine Fugate
Genre: Schmaltz
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Old Maids
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Cynics
Pleasse check out the companion piece where I sketch out my own Garry Marshall movie: Fourth of July.
