Ok. Lemme ‘splain. This Carmen is a 3D film of a staged opera written in French about Spaniards with English subtitles and an International cast. This film never really had a chance. And that was before the cast showed less appeal than those monsters from Jersey Shore.
Now if you’re like me, 100% of what you know about opera came by exposure to Bugs Bunny cartoons. Still, there’s a curiosity there, or at least an inkling to know that my cultural void should be filled. Nature abhors a cultural vacuum. So, here I am to translate for the Carmen impaired:
First of all, you do know some Carmen music. The overture you heard during the little league scenes of the original Bad News Bears. There’s also that “Toreadora/don’t spit on the floor/use the cuspidor/that’s what it is for” song and then, of course, the unforgettable “Habanera”. Look it up if the title doesn’t ring a bell. Second, you should know that avoiding this opera will cost you nothing, culturally. Carmen is a second rate Evita who uses her natural instincts to abuse men not for power, but to avoid prison. In Act IV, she dumps the soldier who ended his career for her because she’s a floozy. It’s pretty clear that George Bizet didn’t think much of Spanish culture aside from bull-fighting, and thought even less of gypsies. It’s easy to see the 
use of Carmen as propaganda to justify historical bigotry. It’s also worth note that finding sympathetic characters of any weight in this story is a futile task. Third, once the “Toreador” song happens in Act II, the best of the music is done; you can successfully close your eyes for the rest of the opera including intermission and know you missed nothing of note. As with so much of opera, the last two hours are replete with amiable yammering, confused direction and silly costumes, you know, like a Jonas Brothers concert.
“The music,” you ask, “ what does it mean?” You’ve heard these songs before and hummed the tunes mindlessly, but what are these people actually singing about?
“Habanera” is a tribute to the nature of the vixen. The translation: “Love is a gypsy’s child, it has never, ever, known a law” sums it up best. Our heroine often repeats “if I love you, you’d best beware” as a warning that her affections are often fleeting and shallow.
“Toreador” really is about a bull-fighter. It’s an ode to the combatant sung in the third person by the man himself with the conclusion that the ladies go wild because, well, he’s a bullfighter. Feel free to make your own lyrics here; they will be superior.
The overture is an ode to bullfighting. Ah yes, another love song for the man facing a non-diseased mad cow. This time, at least, it’s the chorus singing. All I can say is when it comes to bullfighting, I always root for the bull.
So that’s it. Carmen: you can miss it and still be culturally relevant. You even know what the songs are about now, too. And, get me, Carmen — you’ll stay outta movie theaters if ya knows whats good fer ya.
Rated PG-13, 170 Minutes
D: Julian Napier
W: Henri Meilhac, Ludovic Halévy and Prosper Mérimée
Genre: An opera in movie form!
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Lessee – somebody who loves live performances in taped form; this would make more sense if opera came with a final score like a football game
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Opera loathers
