Open with two townhouses sharing a wall. One is red, one is blue. Zoom in on mailboxes. One says “2B”, the other has “2B” circled and crossed out. Get it? Five minutes later a dog is loosed. One garden gnome yells “Out! Out!” Another chimes in, “damned Spot.” Ah, clever. Gnomeo & Juliet could have used more of that. Much more. Ok, it’s my turn: wherefore art thou ‘Gnomeo’? Seriously, why gnomes? You know these things aren’t cute or fun, right? Ugly-ass bearded statues give Americans the creeps; they fall somewhere between spiders and circus clowns on our National Heebie-jeebie Scale.
Why? Well, “Gnome” rhymes with “Rome” so we set Shakespeare to tacky lawn accessories. O, that it were Ropher-eo and Juliet? Or Rippopotamus-eo and Juliet? We could have enjoyed something potentially cuddly on screen. If Billy the Bard had written Riquidpaper-eo and Juliet would this tale have been set in Office Depot?
The movie? You know the tale. Teen lovers, family rivals, tragedy, been there, done that. Romeo with a white beard kind of undermines the teen-love 
aspect. Tybalt dies in an electric mower drag race. Sounds better than it is. Unlike the real play, this one has to end happy, what with the G rating and all. For the most part the repetition of Elton John’s “Your Song” themes (Sir Elton provided the soundtrack) will put one in the mood for Moulin Rouge! There are worse films to conjure. Of course, the general idea when making a film is not to have your audience thinking about another film. At least that’s my general assumption; I could be wrong.
I counted nine writers on this project. Nine! And the Bard himself wasn’t among them. How big do you suppose the portions were? “Everybody gets a sentence; bring it back on Monday.” Nine writers and two winning jokes. The original play ending in teen suicide was funnier than this adaptation. And not one among you said, “um, doncha think gnomes are kind of creepy?” A classic case of too many cooks.
Next time, let me write “Riquidpaper-eo & Juliet.” I’ll ask half scale and guarantee at least two (2) winning jokes. And there’s not nine of me. Ok?
Rated G, 84 Minutes
D: Kelly Asbury
W: Rob Sprackling, John R. Smith, Andy Riley, Kevin Cecil, Kelly Asbury, Steve Hamilton Shaw, Mark Burton, Emily Cook, Kathy Greenburg, 3 French Hens, 2 Turtle Doves and a Partridge in a Pear Tree.
Genre: Modern Shakespeare
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Lawn jockey fanatics
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “Garden gnomes are creepy.”
Now, give us “Hamlet” with a cast of pigs, or “Hutch Ado About Nothing” with a cast of rabbits, or “Mitt’s Summer Night’s Meme” starring a politician whose bouts of popularity last only a few brief hours at a time…only then would we have productions worthy of the Bard.