It took me a bit to realize I was watching The Italian Job. Seemed familiar, of course. Big theft, double-cross, murder-for-shock-value; but it didn’t sink in until we find red, yellow and blue Mini Coopers on the streets of Wellington. I’d been distracted by the dance numbers.
And then, of course, my thought was, “this is exactly why the Mark Wahlberg Italian Job was no improvement on the Michael Caine Italian Job – no Bollywood dance numbers.”
So what if we remade all classics in Bollywood fashion?
[unordered_list style=”green-dot”]
- Jaws – Ok, I see a chorus line of bikini-clad babes with a song entitled, “Don’t Go in the Water.” Many of them have chunks eaten out of their torsos and limbs.
- When Harry Met Sally – Here we have an extended counterpoint duet in which Sally sings about faking her orgasm while Harry sings “Surrey with a Fringe on Top” in front of Ira at The Sharper Image. Holiday shoppers come to dance along.
- The Usual Suspects – In this one, a lone figure sits masked except for a confident smile in an easy chair center stage. Surrounded by him are women in revealing saris singing the “Keyser Söze” song. Every once in a while, he shoots one of the girls at random.
- Schindler’s List — Sexy Nazi co-ed guards croon in tandem to “Find the Children” while searching the holocaust deathcamp latrines. Whenever a child is located, (s)he is executed on the spot thus providing a great score and underscoring the serious nature of the film at the same time.
[/unordered_list]
As you can see, Hollywood still has a lot to learn. Bollywood films are getting slicker. Of that, there is no doubt. The production values are way up, which is great as better film quality, generally, means better film (yes, I will stick by that. Go to a film festival, see everything and then contemplate the ones that didn’t even get selected). Bollywood has even started shooting 3D movies. The problem with making films up to the quality standards of Universal and Warner Bros. is that you will now be held to same scrutiny.
The basic plot of Italian Job is a bunch of experts pull a wacky far-fetched heist. The heist is successful, but then gets double-crossed, so an even wackier heist is needed to right the first wrong. The wacky heist here is a high-speed train robbery. It’s kind of cool until you dissect it, realizing how passive the trained Russian soldiers protecting the gold are, how the Russians seem fairly unconcerned once the theft takes place, oh and that Romanian gold bars weigh, maybe, half a pound each. That’s just subsection 1a of “What’s Wrong with this Picture.” When Players pulled gimmicks from both Tower Heist and Ghost Protocol, I knew they weren’t serious about any kind of writing standard. Our Mark Wahlberg (Abhishek Bachchan) is fairly bland; I don’t think I could pick him out of a line-up. I did like Spider (Neil Nitin Mukesh), however, our resident villain.
So, hey, if you’re dying to see The Italian Job in Hindi fashion, with some unnecessary music routines, Players is almost serviceable. Now sing me away, babes, with the Steel Frog theme: “It’s Not Easy Being Mean.”
Unrated, Minutes? It’s a Bollywood, what do you think?
D: Abbas Alibhai Burmawalla, Mastan Alibhai Burmawalla
W: Nikhat Bhatty, Bhaskar Hazarika, Rohit Jugraj, Sourabh Ratnu & Sudip Sharma
Genre: Re-caper
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Wouldn’t it be great if you consistently replaced Mark Wahlberg with sexy dance numbers?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “This makes even less sense in Hindi.”
