The aliens have come to destroy all life on Earth. Again. Was it something we said?
I have come to the conclusion that aliens are dicks. I used to think it was just about a little misunderstanding – I mean, hey, who’s to say abduction-related anal probing isn’t just their way of shaking hands, but this “killing every last living thing on Earth.” Yeah, that’s got to go.
We’re in Moscow. Why? Not really sure. Maybe we just like the idea of clearing tourists out of those funky buildings topped by colorful Hershey’s kisses. The Darkest Hour opens with Emile Hirsch and Max Minghella flying to Russia for a business deal. This is an excellent opening if you’re making a “Mystery Science Theater” movie. And, let’s face it, The Darkest Hour is the best MST3K offering of the year, which is saying a bunch as Real Steel is out on video in a week. They show up and realize they’ve been had. I guess Max still isn’t up to being Mark Zuckerberg. So, naturally, they booze it up and pick up chicks.
This part is important, because once the duo becomes a quadro, it kind of stays there. This is a status quo film. Every time a new face is added, one has to leave. When their abusive business rival sneaks into their safe house, well, you know it’s just a matter of time before somebody has to die. Five is a crowd.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. While out partying, light flashes drop from the sky. A group surrounds one and watches it erase a Moscow cop. The aliens are invisible, see? This is great because the money you lose in special effects, you save in make-up. Oh, and they kind of turn people to dust, like vampires in TV shows. Again with the money-save. Luckily, this is a movie, so even though all people see is a cop disappear, everybody instinctively knows aliens have come to Earth to destroy all life as we know it. Good for them.
The five lock themselves in a storage basement for an extended weekend, but look amazingly good despite the hardship. Then the film just gets silly. Our heroes devise a plan. It’s not a good plan and it doesn’t make sense. It does, however, have the benefit of being a plan. Always good for a movie to have a plot point, even if it makes little sense. Speaking of which, these invisible aliens? They’re all sizzle, some steak. They exude electricity the way Kim Kardashian exudes skank. Every time they come close to an electric thing, it lights up. They read humans by the electro-magnetic energy we give off, see? How can they tell a human from a car? Dunno. Why don’t they attack other electric things? Dunno. Why do they give off energy as they move? Dunno. Why don’t creatures this advanced steal energy from the sun? Dunno.
Naturally, the few remaining humans fight back. Our boring cadre runs into an armed Russian group. Do they want to go to the “safe” “haven” like our “heroes”? Why, no. This was my favorite part of the film – the understanding that, overwhelmed by a superior invading force, the Russians fall back on a defense that has worked for centuries: entrench yourselves and wait for winter. Only true Russians can withstand a Russian winter. Gotta love that one of the writers took world history once upon a time. Now if only one of them had taken a writing class.
Anyone else thinking Stand by Me?
Rated PG-13, 89 Minutes
D: Chris Gorak
W: Leslie Bohem, M.T. Ahern and Jon Spaihts
Genre: It’s end of the world as we know it
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: “Cloverfield was, like, the best movie ever, man.”
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “No. It wasn’t.”
