First of all, I can’t tell Underworld from Resident Evil. Here’s what I see: bunch o’ blue lit sets, hot babe in a tight outfit who has all the screen appeal of Vanna White, some big teeth, weaponry, fighting, blood, nothing especially scary and nothing to care about and I’m asleep before Act I is over.
Why are the werewolves bad guys and the vampires good guys?
I get the distinct impression that Kate Beckinsale is trying to set the record for amount of naked time on screen without ever showing the good stuff. This time, she’s suspended in an ice chamber, then escapes to mist. And “missed” is exactly what you’ll get.
Does Selene (Beckinsale) ever strike you as the bad girl who shows up for Thanksgiving because your uncle can’t tell somebody who is actually appropriate for company? You know, Selene comes in tied to his arm. He refers to her as “My Ladyfriend” because it’s possible he can’t remember her name. She’s wearing a skin tight leather body suit, just perfect for this time of year. She only owns two outfits; this was the more appropriate. She’s also heavily armed. The dog comes to greet her and she immediately slays it out of habit. “Shep, no!” ” Sorry, looked like a Lycan.” “How does a collie resemble a werewolf?” Somewhere around dessert, she picks a fight with grandpa and then has a switchblade duel with Timmy over the last piece of pie.
You know what? I didn’t know where I was going with this, but I like it a Hell of a lot better than any Underworld film to date.
Underworld: Awakening is yet another dreary collection of confusing action scenes. There’s a plot about an evil company, like in Resident Evil, and Selene shows up to chew screen time while brandishing weaponry. Yeah, that’s nothing like Milla Javovich in Resident Evil. The company here is Antigen (Wow. That’s one bitter ex. Named a whole business out of his hatred for Gen). It’s possible they explained what Antigen does while I was asleep. In short: evil company, evil purposes. Might be a metaphor for either the current economic crisis or the current healthcare crisis, but I doubt it. Eventually, there’s a showdown at the base of operations. I doubt you’ll find it any more interesting in 3D IMAX than watching it on a cell phone.
There’s a reason these things come out in January, the critical death knell for any film without Oscar aspirations. Underworld: Evolution and Underworld: Rise of the Lycans both came out third week of January like this latest installment. These films are coldly calculated to appeal to movie goers who have no interest in award winning films. I suppose it’s better to get these things out of the way early on. Hate to have this vampire crap hanging around.
In retrospect, the coolest thing about Underworld: Awakenings is that it was directed by two guys who between them have two angstroms and an umlaut in their collective names.
Rated R, 88 Minutes
D: Måns Mårlind, Björn Stein (of “Win Björn Stein’s Möney”)
W: Len Wiseman, John Hlavin, J. Michael Straczynski and Allison Burnett
Genre: January release
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Lycanphobes
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Me
