Were I in the CIA, I’d die. Literally and quickly. I’d be a pawn for somebody’s great scheme to take down something. I wouldn’t intend to, of course. It just would happen. You see, far as I can tell, 1 in every 3 CIA agents is a rogue spy who turns on fellow Americans at the drop of a hat. And I just know I’d be one of those guys who actually pays attention to the stupid oath saying things like, “don’t be an asshole when your country is in danger.” Hey, I bet you don’t know what CIA agents actually swear to any more than I do. Anyway, I’d be all serving my post, the one I was sworn to serve, when somebody goes rogue and in the minute of not questioning my oath or my instructions, some jerk would shoot me dead.
And with that in mind I give you Ryan Reynolds, back in better form after an awful 2011. Ironically, taking away Ryan’s super Green Lantern powers gives him a stronger presence on screen. Ryan plays Matt Weston, a bored rookie CIA agent guarding a South African Safe House. Temporary venues for hosting controversial figures don’t get much play. Poor Matt. He wants action but it ain’t happenin’. Be careful what you wish for.
Enter traitor Tobin Frost (Denzel Washington). And he is most certainly a traitor. I kept waiting for Safe House to explain his betrayal in logical or mitigating terms and it never happened. I suppose it makes the torture scene a little easier to take, but not much. Naturally, the Safe House is compromised and trained CIA toughs fall like flies. Matt is force to grab his guest and run. This is the part where I’d probably die; I don’t know what protocol dictates when your house is compromised, but I’m pretty sure the provisions for Plan B don’t include questioning your superiors.
As the two slowly realize their uneasy alliance, we get Frost becoming traitor-mentor to Weston. Well, that’s new I guess. What wasn’t new was a series of dumb decisions and awkward writing. Who plans a prisoner regroup at a major soccer match? And why is there still a throng outside while the game is going on? Why
does no CIA official realize that the mere compromise of the Safe House itself means, duh, there’s a leak. And why doesn’t anybody at any point say, “screw this. Just kill the traitor and be done with it” ?
For most of Safe House, Denzel Washington waltzes around Joberg with a MacGuffin in his ass. Wow, that sounded dirty, didn’t it?
The thing in Denzel’s ass? It’s a computer file listing secret agents from many different nations and agencies. Look, I don’t want to question your MacGuffin, but — wait a moment, yeah I sure do want to question your MacGuffin. OK, who compiled this list? Think about this. What nation publishes the secret agent list anywhere somebody can find it? Doesn’t that mean infiltrating several different top secret agencies, all for … information? And it’s not like any given nation shares the agent information. Even the allies don’t play along these lines — “hey, US? Canada here. OK, we just upgraded to Legacy so I’m sending you the latest information on our secret agents. Yeah, could you just make sure to keep it in the big database with the lists of agents from other countries? Excel? Yeah, that would be super, eh.” Seriously, how? And more importantly why does one get this information?
If you turn your brain off, the leads are worth watching here. But I’m still not joining the CIA; I’m telling you that right now.
Rated R, 115 Minutes
D: Daniel Espinosa
W: David Guggenheim
Genre: Buddy pic, CIA style
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: CIA critics
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Nationalists
