So here’s something new – immortals can die. This is a definition of “immortal” with which I was not previously aware. I suppose that makes it exciting … sort of. The idea that Zeus can die doesn’t do a lot for me personally, but neither did this screenplay.
Sweaty hunky Aussie Sammy Worthington-y is back in plague-ridden Ancient Greece as Perseus, the put-upon mortal son of the God Zeus. This time, they gave Sam hair and a son, which almost makes him interesting. Let’s play a game. Match the following Sam Worthington facial expressions to the thought inside his head:
A. “I must save Greece from this plague of double-backed dudes.”
B. “If I can reach my sword, I can defend myself.”
C. “Does he want fries with that?”
D. “Remember to act! Act!”
E. “I should get baked in my trailer.”
F. “How many guys are we fighting? Math is hard.”
G. “Man, I gotta pee. Where do you release the Kraken around here?”
H. “I could totally hit that.”
I’d have to strain my memory to find a high-profile actor who leaves less impression on the screen. Even guys in the classic warrior, partial-actor, mode (think Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris, Charles Bronson, Jason Statham, The Rock, Vin Diesel, etc.) leave some personality for you to find. I’ve watched over 1,000 minutes of Sam Worthington on screen and have yet to care about anything he does. But I digress.
Wrath of the Titans picked up right where Clash of the Titans left off – steal a plot, add some CGI and anesthetize the audience. I wonder how grateful the producers were when they realized the Percy Jackson series failed. Anxious to cash in on the weakest part of the Rick Riordan series, the plot, Wrath summons the reawakening of evil lord Kronos and all his crazy titan pals — the winged two-headed dog thing (pretty sure a chimera was intended here), the CGI challenged cyclopseseses, and these weird double torsoed guys who can fight back-to-back in two directions at once. Now that’s just silly – if you were two people back-to-back sharing the same legs, you’d constantly be battling yourself as much as bad guys, and how would you sleep or scratch your back? Eh, what do I care? It’s your film.
What Wrath didn’t take from Percy Jackson, they liberally stole from 2011’s Immortals and Disney’s Hercules. Again, I am amazed at the theft of source material from such weak repositories. What surprises me after all the effects are spooged onto the IMAX canvas is how antiseptic Wrath of the Titans feels. Perseus does some stuff. Zeus (Liam Neeson) gets betrayed by Hades (Ralph Fiennes; get this – Ralph Fiennes as a powerful bad guy, whoda thunk it?) and there’s a big lava pit and some Hell based tetherball going on, but it never feels like anything other than “I’m watching a movie.” Compare that with claymation works of the 60s – the effects sucked, but you could be drawn in to a battle with sword-fighting skeletons. “How is Jason going to get out of this? Oh, I see. The animator got tired and forgot a skeleton. Good thing; the Argonauts were in trouble.” Only one scene in Wrath truly caught my attention – a labyrinthine path into to Hell itself, set up by Hephaestus (Bill Nighy); this scene is strangely derivative of not just the Riordan books, but Alien vs. Predator. Still, the viewer finally gets a sense of some tangible danger in these scenes. Don’t worry; it doesn’t last.
Oh, before I forget, Rosamund Pike belongs in a sword and sandal epic like Maggie Smith belonged in 21 Jump Street.
So muck up the giant IMAX 3D screen if you must; but I’m gonna go watch Hunger Games again. Go make the sign of the double-backed crab while I’m doing something else.
Rated PG-13, 99 Minutes
D: Jonathan Liebesman
W: Greg Berlanti, David Johnson & Dan Mazeau
Genre: CGI Orgy
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Demigods
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Ray Harryhausen
