“I shall restore the family business to its former glory!” Oh hot dog; they forgot to write a plot. The vampire Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) has returned from a time in which citizens didn’t laugh out loud upon hearing the name, “Barnabas.” And he’s returned to the age of Bong. Barnabas looks pretty good for a guy locked in a box for centuries. This issue isn’t explored but made me curious – is New England littered with unearthed vampires just waiting to be dug up? And vampires rise from the grave all the time, why didn’t Barnabas? A few chains … complacency … just wanted to “get away from it all” for an era or five?
Dark Shadows is one those movies in which the ad campaign urges us to get familiar with the players – Here’s an entire poster devoted to not just Johnny Deep, but Eva Green gets hers as does Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham Carter, Chloë Grace Moretz, Jackie Earle Haley. Why stop there? There must be dozens, if not hundreds, of crew members who 1) worked on Dark Shadows and 2) I don’t give a shit about. The big gimmick here is a colonial vampire escapes his eternal torment, returns to the time of groovy and takes up residence in his former home.
Good for him. Colonial vampires are usually so distant.
Before I forget, let’s do the Tim Burton checklist, shall we?
[unordered_list style=”tick”]
- Johnny Depp
- Helena Bonham Carter
- Danny Elfman
- White Face Paint
- Recycled material
- Dead folks
- Outcast
- Dour
- Labyrinthine settings
- 2.5 stars
So anyway, there’s a bunch of actors I like in this film, which would be great if the script gave them something to do other than gawk at Johnny Depp all day. Yes, your great, great, great, great, great uncle vampire has come to stay. Feel free to go about your lives. Oh, you don’t have any. Never mind. Wait a minute, why are there are Collinses in the first place? They came over from England, built a house; the ‘rents died and their remaining son was sent underground, literally, for 200 years before he could score with the girl of his dreams. Was I not paying attention? What happened here? Who inherited the big mansion?
Dark Shadows is all about the having an 18th C. vampire in a 1972 household. Yay, it’s Addams 
Family lite. And Burton milks it because the only substantial plot is Angelique Bouchard (Green) exacting renewed revenge upon a guy of whom she killed his fiancée, turned into a vampire and had buried for 200 years. At some point, doncha just say, “that seems a little mean”? No? So we get a lot of gimmicks in sight and dialogue, like Barnabas brushing his teeth in a mirror that shows no reflection and going to teen Chloe for 20th C. dating advice. Fun stuff? Well, probably as fun as Death Becomes Her. I wonder if Tim Burton ever regrets not having directed that one.
Expect a remake any day now.
Rated PG-13, 113 Minutes
D: Tim Burton
W: Seth Grahame-Smith, John August
Genre: Burton/Depp clichés #2, 4, 5 and 7
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Twilight script doctors
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Opposers of the undead and the 70s, in that order
btw, did you know Johnny Depp turns fifty next June? We all should look so good at 50 … or 20 for that matter.
