How would you like your personal relationship history played in video slide show format to the tune of “We Didn’t Start the Fire”? During your engagement party in front of family and friends, no less? Actually, mine probably wouldn’t go beyond the first stanza, but for many others, this might provide amusing break-up material.
Alex (Chris Pratt) does the honors in roasting our subject Tom (Jason Segel). Stop there a second. Ladies, help me out — does Jason Segel do it for ya? I don’t dislike the guy, but is this our new Jimmy Stewart? Jason’s most recent roles (incl. Bad Teacher, The Muppets) suggest he has attained some sort of pedestal of decency from which any woman should gladly look past his blandness. At this rate, I think I’d more happily return to Jack Black as the poor man’s alpha (beta?) Looking at Segel in a romantic eye, I am immediately reminded of Shelley Duvall as Olive Oyl half-heartedly singing the praises of Bluto in Robert Altman‘s Popeye with the tune, “He’s Large.” Man, I should hate Jason Segel just for reminding me of Popeye.
I suppose if you write the thing, you get to to be Jimmy Stewart or Captain America if you dare to dream. The Five-Year Engagement represents the second Jason Segel/Nicholas Stoller collaboration in less than a year.
Ok, let’s just move on. Violet (Emily Blunt) and Tom get engaged. Then she gets an academic boon and they move to 
where her new job is — the University of Michigan. I’m a little confused here — she applied to Berkeley, got refused, but Michigan gave her an offer out of the blue? Does this happen in academia? Tom, a chef on the rise, turns down a quality gig in San Francisco to follow love to Ann Arbor and a big deal is made of how small town the destination is compared to the origin. An hour of film later, Tom is a backwoods deer hunter in a gaudy oversized hand-made Christmas sweater and sporting sideburns that would make Martin Van Buren blush. It’s fair to say his life isn’t going according to plan.
And all this time the couple puts off getting married because … best guess? The title wouldn’t make any sense. The Five-Year Engagement is one large donut experiment. What’s that? It’s well researched that if you put a child in a room with a donut and say, “you can have this donut now or if you wait you can have two donuts later,” the children who opt to wait will grow up and have better lives than their control-challenged brethren. Unsurprising, of course. The children of immediate satisfaction are constant dupes for marketers, politicians, salesmen and the like. As Violet is a psychologist, she studies the donut experiment extensively only to have her life become one. Does taking the long road of academic satisfaction beat the short road of getting married and watching her husband thrive? Not sure the movie makes a strong case for either.
I say, “Why stop there?” Why not a ten-year engagement? Why watch a film at all? Maybe our attendance at Five-Year Engagement is in itself a donut experiment. What if by not going to the film, we can see two other mediocre romcoms a months from now, wouldn’t that be better? Screw it; I’m going to Dark Shadows.
Rated R, 124 Minutes
D: Nicholas Stoller
W: Jason Segel, Nicholas Stoller
Genre: When Harry Met Sally
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: People who regret putting career ahead of love.
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: PETA
Oh, and thumbs up to Alison Brie, whose appearances were all too Brief during the five years.
