This little slice of condescending fluff comes courtesy of the folks who need to take Garry Marshall films to the next level. Kinda hate to say it, but watching What to Expect When You’re Expecting makes me respect Marshall more — it’s much easier to film the consequences of love than love itself.
To be fair, I haven’t encountered the “everything will be OK with another baby” argument in almost two or three months now. So let’s meet our couples on the verge of becoming trios:
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- Cameron Diaz and Matthew Morrison, professional TV personalities
- Brooklyn Decker and Dennis Quaid, a former racing pro bazillionaire and his trophy wife
- Jennifer Lopez and Rodrigo Santoro, a childless couple adopting … from Ethiopia
- Anna Kendrick and Chace Crawford, gorgeous rival food truck owners drawn together by
- mutual hotness
- and … Elizabeth Banks and Ben Falcone, a couple defined by their mediocrity.
Now if you read that correctly, you’d see that the couple you’re most likely to identify with is the one where the woman is Elizabeth Banks, and, pregnant or not, continues to be as hot as Elizabeth Banks.
There’s also a roaming men’s parent support group for those proud of emasculation.
And here’s the plot: five women (except for JLo, who opts for adoption) take turns discovering pregnancy while their respective partners discover Betaland, a magical place where men give up their dreams. With the small exception of a wildly-out-of-place miscarriage, every scene in this film feels exactly the same. We’re all light and breezy so long as the rules are followed — the additional family member naturally establishes the woman as more important; the man’s job is support or get out of the way.
When a very pregnant Wendy (Banks) is set to speak at a pregnancy bazaar and promptly wets herself, as pregnant women are apt to do, I’m sure she connects with women everywhere. And she emerges in front of the audience, forgoes standing and the set speech and speaks from the heart about how pregnancy sucks, which I’m sure it does a lot of the time. I like that part; we stop the bull and talk about reality. Ok, you’ve connected. Then the video of said event goes viral. Of course it does. And the next day, there is a line around the block at her store waiting for it to open so patrons may come to worship. Ah, this is one of those movies. Wouldn’t it be great if people came to worship you for being pregnant? Is this what you want? Really?
Assuming you weren’t born in Communist Russia, what kinds of things have you ever stood in line for? Concert tickets? Ball game? Amusement park ride? I suppose the occasional autograph or book signing. But to meet a local store owner? Oh, what do I know, I’m just a guy. I do know this — the book Wendy writes about breast feeding and displays at the beginning of the film? Looks like a comic book of mammal fellatio. Is that funny? Yes. But why would you, the filmmaker, capture that laugh at the expense of the woman we’re supposed to identify with?
This is a movie which by the third scene in Ethiopia, we finally get a black person on screen.
I’ve read What to Expect When You’re Expecting cover-to-cover. That wasn’t in the book. In fact, the book didn’t suggest much of a plot at all now that I consider the subject. Yeah, there’s a pregnant lady, sure. Maybe several. And she has many concerns, yes. I get that. But I don’t remember the part about a trade show or a racecar driver or a dolphin blojob or the support group for whipped fathers.
So hey, have you had enough of equality and harmony in your household? Yes? Then, by all means, trek on down as a couple to What to Expect. And bring the kids, too — your girls and especially your boys should know their future.
Look. I don’t want to detract from the ordeal of pregnancy, nor the fact that a pregnant woman has the right to feel special. But why is it important to make all their men into tools? And what exactly are you preaching? The book is all about making sure you and your partner are prepared to have a baby; the movie is about making sure we know the man’s role is subordinate, and as long as we men understand that, everything will be just dandy.
If that fantasy works for ya, hey, enjoy it. Sorry about that impending reality thing. Good luck!
Rated PG-13 , 110 Minutes
D: Kirk Jones
W: Shauna Cross and Heather Hach
Genre: Garry Marshall aftermath
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Women anticipating pregnancy
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The man resentful of the attention
