The Drunkboat/soon will be making another run
The Drunkboat/promises something for everyone!
Some ideas are so shockingly dull you wonder if the producers fell asleep during the storyboard phase. Not every movie need be, “sexy aliens attack planet earth” of course. On the other hand, a viewer might hope for something a little better than “teen boy wants to purchase a used sailboat.” That’s it. That’s your plot; that’s your action; that’s your conclusion.
The teen boy in question, Abe (Jacob Zachar), gets introduced to Uncle Mort (John Malkovich) when the latter shows up one day and loiters on the sidewalk, staring at the house. “Who’s that?” “It’s your Uncle Mort.” Uncle is too proud to approach the door; mom is too proud to open it up. In Drunkboat, this qualifies as an action scene. I’m sure somebody in 
charge of production thought this was offbeat and humorous; I found it tedious.
Drunkboat wants to get by on the quirky performances of John Malkovich, who seems lucid in every third scene, and John Goodman, who may or may not be engaged in illegal activity; it’s hard to say because the movie assumes we care. Both actors spend most of their screen time sitting and waiting. For what, exactly? Not sure. You know how movies are supposed to be life without all the boring parts? This movie didn’t edit that stuff. I can but conclude Drunkboat is a film made by somebody who worships at the altar of the Coen brothers and yet came to the conclusion that Barton Fink was their masterwork. Oh, good gravy, man. Put something in your film that people will at least want to talk about.
Oh, hey, there’s a Dana Delaney sighting, my first since Exit to Eden, a film that introduced Rosie O’Donnell to a bustier. Thank you, movie. I hadn’t thought about that in not-quite-long-enough. To be fair, now I’m no longer thinking about … what was the name of this film again?
What shall we do with the Drunkboat trailer?
Write it off and claim a failure?
Don’t make me watch or I will bail her
Spider-Man’s right next door
Rated Zzzzzzz, 98 Minutes
D: Bob Meyer
W: Bob Meyer, Randy Buescher
Genre: Dull
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The director’s mother
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Action fans
