Savages

Oliver Stone reminds me of that guy at a party who seems fascinating for about ten minutes and then … nothin’. Same old jokes, same old lines, same old tired shtick. He’s been milking variations on the same plots and themes for years. Ultra-violence and drug abuse, yes! Man is a slave to his baser instincts and those who aren’t will suffer greatly.

So there’s these two beach guys: Chon (Taylor Kitsch, still reeling from Battleship and John Carter) and Ben (Aaron Johnson). They make primo stuff, dude. And they share O (Blake Lively) who prefers both because neither is a complete man. Please Blake, neither is a complete actor. Luckily, there’s enough backstory here for us to separate the two. Chon is a thug, Ben is an “intellectual.” I put that in quotes because we know from experience that once Benicio del Toro shows up, it’s time to be in a different film.

O narrates the beginning, “just because I’m telling this story doesn’t mean I’m alive at the end of it.” Oh, goodness. I’m.just.gonna.die.from.the.suspense. I honestly wish I’d left Savages 15 minutes early so I wouldn’t know the answer. There! That’s exactly how much I care about your fate. No, stupid me, staying to the end meant I got treated to a Clue conclusion. Really? Really.

Chon and Ben are being muscled by the Mexican drug mob. It’s best not to think about the plot, because it stops making sense once you do. Instead of making a deal, they skip town, but before they can do so, Elena (Salma Hayek) has O kidnapped. Now that’s just not good business. Elena assumed charge of the mob when her husband and sons were murdered; we know nothing about them, but we do meet her daughter, grown up and flown away after being raised by the mob boss herself. Who says a single woman can’t have it all? Ok, I’m sorry, I do have questions: why did the Mexican mob need the half-men again? Thugs move in, people flee. Isn’t this what the mob wants? Ben & Chonny aren’t actually making or supplying the dope at this point; those branches of the operation have been subcontracted out. The corporation heads have split. If you don’t want their money or expertise, you don’t really need them, do you? At that rate, wouldn’t you just go directly to the suppliers to figure out what they’re selling and who they’re selling it to? Aw, this is why I never got my MBA.

But it’s all an excuse to hint at some good beheadin’ and rapin’ and threesomin’. Thanks, Oliver.  That tale never grows old, except for the times when it does.

Ben and Chon/Sittin’ in a tree
D-E-A-L-I-N-G
O gets taken/leaving them alone
Oliver’s effort/sinks like a Stone

Rated R, 130 Minutes
D: Oliver Stone
W: Shane Salerno, Don Winslow & Oliver Stone
Genre: Drugs ‘n’ blood
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Metaphorical savages
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Actual savages