Who wouldn’t party with Flash Gordon?
Let’s say you’re ten and you own a teddy bear, and one day in a fit of frustration and pointless hope, you wish for the teddy bear to come alive. And it does. And it never leaves, and you and your teddy are stuck forever in perpetual adolescence, taking bong hits on mornings before work well into your thirties.
And there’s the plot for Ted, I daresay the most innovative and almost certainly the funniest film of the year … provided you’re the type of person who doesn’t spend Sunday nights waiting for “Downton Abbey” to air. Ted is the film Adam Sandler has been trying and failing to make for years now. It is full of exactly the silly and raunchy and fantasy to quell any teenager … and any older teenager.
Films are so much better when they get it right. Ted is thisclose to being a classic on the order of Animal House or Caddyshack. A film guys talk about from the time they’re 12 to the time they’re scamming social security. Ted the bear is voiced by Seth MacFarlane, who pulls out his Peter Griffin for this role, which is perfect in summoning the feel of stunted growth. Chonologically, Ted ages with his buddy John (Mark Wahlberg), but neither seemed to figure out how to become an adult. That’s the best part, of course. Watching a Teddy Bear who involuntarily says, “I love you” when squeezed drink booze, pickup hookers and obsess over Flash Gordon is hilarious. When John’s late for work, Ted drives him — it’s almost surreal in its mundanity (well of course he drives; why wouldn’t he?) and then he nails a car on the way in. “Oops, my bad. Sorry.” The fact that he’s a teddy bear turns the moment from commonplace to a riot.
And don’t miss the “F*** you, Thunder” duet from both Marky Mark and Teddy Ted.
Speaking of which, Marky Mark has never been better. I give Mark Wahlberg a lot of crap for his boy-band origins and the fact that his acting is occasionally piss poor. Personally, I thought The Happening was his end. Had no idea he could recover from that. But in Ted, Mark Wahlberg is the perpetual adolescent still clinging to his Teddy Bear. His adult Teddy Bear. He can’t commit to his girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis) and constantly blows off work in favor of shenanigans. It takes a fair amount not just to play this role straight, but he never once backs from the idea that Ted is alive. If he isn’t convinced, there is no movie. He also purposefully sucks at dancing, singing and fighting for this role. I’ve never been serious about Wahlberg the actor, but I’m damn sure the guy can dance (Boogie Nights), sing (Rock Star) and brawl (The Fighter). I imagine it’s extrememly difficult for any actor to deliberately underplay his given skill set, even for comic purposes. Watching John get his ass handed to him by a plush toy has to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.
As is the moment where John plays “name that White Trash skank” with Ted. Nothing raunchy about it, just pure naming, but absolutely priceless.
Perhaps I was too unkind to Ted. Perhaps it deserved a little better. Honestly, I think it faulted in the same style Magic Mike did — it tried to tell a story. Screw that; we just want the bear and the straight man doing shtick. It’s not Mila Kunis’ fault she happens to be the on the tracks in the way of the comedic locomotion; somebody has to be there. But when the train slows to pick her up, the humor loses all momentum. Soooooo close indeed.
Nasty, nasty bear/Won’t ever change
Marky, Marky Mark/Showin’ some range
Delicate people/will show their scorn
This Teddy Bear Picnic?/All beer and porn
Rated R, 106 Minutes
D: Seth MacFarlane
W: Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin & Wellesley Wild
Genre: Guy film
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Guy guys
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Their dates
