Dredd 3D

Wouldn’t it be great if you could actually say, “words fail me” to describe a situation? Unfortunately, words do not fail me and I think I can convey exactly what an awful experience it is to stomach Dredd 3D, a film without a single moment of mirth, excitement, hope, innovation or originality.

Seventeen years ago, Sylvester Stallone gave us Judge Dredd, a film I call among the worst I’ve ever scene. Consider that and note that I make a bottom 20 list every single year. *pause* Dredd 3D is every bit as bad as Judge Dredd. *pause* The future as imagined by Dredd combines the bleak cynicism of our present age with the personality-challenged dystopian future. The United States has been reduced to 800 Million people stuffed into a concrete stretch between Boston and Washington, D.C. The rest is wasteland.  What do the survivors live on?  I dunno.  Candy, maybe.  The justice system has been replaced by judges – weaponed self-righteous police enforcers who carry out sentences on the spot. I get the distinct impression that the future ain’t happy and we’ve given up trying. Good message for the kids.

In the car chase that begins the film, we meet our “hero,” the constantly be-visored expression-challenged law enforcer Dredd (Karl Urban) who, while in cycle pursuit, informs the audience, “they are driving erratically… [hence] … they are under the influence of narcotics.” Everybody who drives erratically is on dope, huh? Some judge you are. Maybe this just applies to post-apocalyptic speeders. When we get to know Dredd, who for the entire film never exposes skin beyond the chin, btw, we find a guy whose favorite method of legal enforcement is shooting a coughing man in the back. I’m not wild about future justice.

Lemme ask this: if Karl Urban stirs your personal cocktail, so to speak, would the Robocop look do anything for you?

Of course, Robocop had a pet blonde, so Dredd gets one, too. Rookie Judge Anderson (Olivia Thirlby) is a mentalist. The future has those, huh?  Good for the future. She is introduced to Dredd through a two-way mirror and correctly identifies him as a judge and seems … [script calls for a cut-off here] Oh, no! What is the mystery adjective? Is he eccentric? Flamboyant? Constipated? What? I’m dying to know so that maybe I can have a thought other than, “that’s Karl Urban in a costume.” For 95 minutes, no part in his character told me otherwise. Was he supposed to be a machine like Robocop or Stallone? Don’t know, don’t care.

Ok, Judge Dredd premise, check. Robocop protagonists, check. Now, it’s time to rip off the plot. And here it comes courtesy of foreign/indy film – ok, cops enter an apartment building in lockdown where the bad guys at the top seal the exits and call the shots. And all tenants are potentially hostile. Name that film. Did you sa The Raid: Redemption (Serbuan maut) ? That’s it! You’ve won the right to ignore a bad remake. The shot caller? Something called Ma-Ma (Lena Headey).  Literally scarred by her past, Ma-Ma … wait. I’m sorry. That’s the worst villain name this century. Anyway, Ma-Ma wears brutal scars on her right cheek showing the abuse she’s lived through and her cold resolve within … or they would, except if you’re like me; in that case, you’ll notice that Ma-Ma’s scars and teeth change in every scene, sometimes even during scenes. She’s kind of like a constantly evolving kaleidoscope. This makes me focus not on the intensity of the actress, but on other details, like the fact that the floor plan in the building doesn’t make sense and that people fall out giant glass windows and land in the building’s interior.

You just didn’t care enough to get details right, huh?

And one other thing – the feeble premise is set around removal of drugs. I see the future has no more control over drug trafficking than the present. Drug of choice? Something called slo-mo, yes I said, “slo-mo,” which gives the abuser the ability to make the present seem 100 times longer. Ma-Ma likes to load up victims and dump them off buildings. Cruel, huh?  Now first off, this is a disgusting pander to the intolerant.  Second: for an anti-drug message, I don’t see a drug that slows time as necessarily a bad thing. Perception altering? Yes, but for the better, no? Lastly, the correct application of this drug is clearly in coordination with sex – when else do you want an anticipated moment to last 100 times longer? – and yet such is not hinted at. 800 Million people and none of you are having sex. In retrospect, it seems obvious to me that true application of this drug, available now, was administered to the patrons of Dredd 3D, because this film lasted 100 times longer than it should have. Ugh.

The earth is dead/in this inevitable dour
Life is difficult/in post-nuclear sour
But here’s Judge Dredd/king of the raids
The future’s so bleak/ he’s gotta wear shades a semi-protective phallic war helmet.

Rated R, 95 Minutes
D: Pete Travis
W: Alex Garland
Genre: Our doomed future
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Fans of the apocalypse
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Alcoa (“♪ We can’t wait, we can’t wait for tomorrow! ♫”)