Aw, isn’t this adorable … they’re running opening credits just like a normal film. Names rolling across as if these are real roles played by real actors – as if this isn’t the kind of movie in which Milla Jovovich wakes up alone and confused in a sterile white octagon wearing just a pair of dishtowels. As if this isn’t the same movie in which an audible countdown begins and Milla goes from undressed-to-dolled-up-dominatrix in under 60 seconds.
Wait a sec, Resident Evil: Retibution is an Alice in Wonderland tale? Are you kidding me? Has this always been the case? And how long, exactly, Mr. Paul W.S. Anderson, were you planning to mangle the playful text of Lewis Carroll? But it’s unmistakable: Ms. Jovovich plays Alice and the villain trapping her inside Futureworld? The Red Queen (Megan Charpentier). Well, Paul W.S. Anderson, I see you’ve got some notes to crib – I don’t really recognize a Hatter, hookah-smoking caterpillar or dormouse among the 
players. I’m sure you’ll get around to it after you steal the climax straight from Aliens.
The tragedy of the Resident Evil series is that these are moment films where the moment is fleeting and forgettable. The plot never makes sense; we just like dressing Milla in a hot outfit and have her fly around in suggestible spasms while dismembering living corpses. It’s sick sadomasochism masquerading as horror. For me, the action escapes my mind almost as quickly as the plot which in turn leaves me with merely the image of Milla Jovovich strapped and packing with a sour look on her face like, “this is my franchise character. Not even Lara Croft. I work all my life; I’m totally hot and I get this.” Speaking of which, at its best Resident Evil: Retribution is like watching your friend play a video game. There’s a Tokyo level and a Moscow level and a Suburb level – and, to be fair, they gave Alice the slightest bit of depth in this one by presenting an Alice clone as the suburban mom of a deaf child. If zombies didn’t attack 65 seconds into this plot development, we might have even gotten to see Milla act. It has a very Dawn of the Dead feel, which morphs into the Futureworld feel, then the Attack of the Clones feel, then the Harry Potter 6 feel. Wait, scratch that; first came the Aliens rip-off, then the HP6 scene.
Beats writing your own plot, huh Paul?
Spandex Alice, come to play!
Zombies have taken our world away.
Per heat-totin’ babes, she has no equal,
But I’m no fan of Milla’s sense of sequel.
Rated R, 95 Minutes
D: Paul W.S. Anderson
W: Paul W.S. Anderson
Genre: Zombies ‘n’ spandex
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Real life zombie attack survivors
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The rest of us
