What’s that? A joke about Frankenstein farting? Oh, how droll. No, stop. Clearly, you have crossed well past the boundary of hilarity and into the realm of drop-dead-from-laughter. The Wolfman’s kids like to pee on the furniture
? You.are.so.killing.me. What inspired such genius? I am unworthy.
Hotel Transylvania wasn’t the worst experience I’ve had at the theater this year. Not by a long shot. But it was bad. And worse yet, disappointing. Just two short summers removed from the best year in animation film history, we’re as far from that apex as, say, Twilight is to Casablanca. And what gets me most? The temerity. The unbridled nerve as to what passes for “quality” animation: You throw out some color; you tell a few poop jokes; you spread some lame 3D; you throw in known entities; you show a change of heart and that’s it? This formula is a winner? Gonna have to disagree there.
Count Dracula (voice of Adam Sandler) is an overprotective dad. He’s gone to elaborate lengths to protect daughter Mavis (Selena Gomez) from evil small-minded humans. Maybe like the kind who review his movies. The hotel was his own protective creation as a haven for monsters against humans. Not a terrible premise, but not gold, either. When Drac cheats Mavis’ first and only taste of freedom by disguising his minions as vampire-hating townies, I was instantly put in mind of every.single.crappy.sitcom.ever.made. What’s next? The millionaire-fantasy episode? The almost-cheated-on-my-wife episode? The my-kids-think-I’m-a-dork episode?
I made the mistake of assuming animated Adam Sandler was more tolerable than the live version. How wrong I could be. Turns out, voice is Adam’s worst quality. Sometimes his puppy-dog face and unassuming body language compensates for his awful voice impressions. Left to deal with Sandler’s voice alone, I hated Dracula almost as much as I hated moronic, it’s-all-cool-dude Jonathan (Andy Samburg), the human. Gee, nice to see Sandler an Samburg together again, huh? It’s been almost six weeks 
now. Oh, David Spade, Kevin James, and Steve Buscemi also show up as and the Invisible Man, Frankenstein and the Wolfman, respectively. Wait, lemme think … has Sandler worked with those guys before? Maybe.
Caught having to escort Jonathan around the castle, Dracula disguises him as another Frankenstein monster hired as youthful “consultant” on Mavis’ birthday party. This leads into my favorite screen moment in which zombie Mozart, zombie Bach and zombie Beethoven are dismissed for being fuddy-duddy in favor of musicians Jonathan with Frankenstein and Wolfman accompaniment. And when I own the New England Patriots, I will be replacing Tom Brady with my brother-in-law, Gene. I’m pretty sure that outdated Brady clown doesn’t know jack about quarterbacking.
The saddest part is I might like movie entitled Zombie Mozart. I think there are real possibilities. It’s a tad Pride and Prejudice and Zombies derivative, sure, but I can guarantee more laughs than Hotel Transylvania. All it would take is one.
♪In a dark empty screening, found myself in a chair
Warm smell of wet hound, metaphoric as I stare
Up ahead in the distance, I heard a failed gaff
My head grew heavy and my will grew dim
I did anything but laugh
There he stood in castle doorway
I heard Adam Sandler yell
And I was thinking to myself
“This could be Hades or this could be Hell”
Then he lit up a fresh fart and he showed me the way
This is how I’ll entertain you
Until penguins go gray
Welcome to the Hotel Transylvania
Such a sorry case (Such a sorry case)
At a snail’s pace
Plenty of “boo!” at the Hotel Transylvania
If your joy is dear (If your joy is dear)
You have lots to fear♫
Rated PG, 91 Minutes
D: Genndy Tartakovsky
W: Peter Baynham, Robert Smigel, Todd Durham, Dan Hageman & Kevin Hageman
Genre: Animated fart joke
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The seven-year-old fart-joke lovin’ boy who likes romantic endings
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The coalition against bathroom humor
