I’ve always wondered when you get to start killin’ folks. In Taken 2, there’s a scene in which Bryan (Liam Neeson) retraces a path from information he’d collected while he was kidnapped and blind. When he comes to the logical conclusion of this path, heads roll. But … he’s never seen it before. How do you know this is where you need to be? Isn’t it just the slightest bit presumptuous to start wrenching necks and shooting henchmen? “Dude, look, we’re just here for a party.”
Oh, what am I saying? Of course, everything is OK. Just like in the original Taken. You can go into a foreign country, shoot up the place, break laws right and left; hey, you can even shoot the wife a police lieutenant point blank in cold blood and it’s all good, because, you know, you’ve been wronged. We know from history, there are no repercussions when you’re in the right, right?
Researched by monkeys sitting at typewriters, Taken 2 picks up where the first left off. The world’s most overprotective father is checking up on the helpless victims, er, “women” in his life and making sure they know he’ll be around periodically, whether or not they want it. Father knows best. I bet this character has great appeal to the pre-
60s generation of sit-down-shut-up-follow-my-rules grandfathers. Ten minutes into this one, dad inserts himself into his daughter’s life to take her for driving practice. You see, Kim (Maggie Grace) has failed the test twice and needs to learn how to parallel park. Does it matter that parallel parking isn’t a requirement for the CA driver’s test? That scene later on cracked me up – you’re fabricating a CA DMV exam? Oh, and more importantly, YOU’RE DOING THE SKILL WRONG. When you drive backwards in a standard automobile, always, you pivot your entire upper torso and look directly out the back so long as you are physically able to do so. Sole use of your rearview mirror to drive backwards is like catching a baseball with your bare hands.
You see, I don’t know how to handle a gun or fight three guys at once or negotiate with a terrorist, but I do know quite well how to drive and the rules and mechanics of driving. And being that driving rules are much easier to research than gun issues, well, I can’t help wondering if Taken 2 is as wrong as it feels. What am I saying? Home Alone 2 wasn’t contrived in the least, either.
But hey, I’m sure they got everything else right, right? Like when that same no license child is asked to evade the police in Istanbul. By car. A car with stick shift. And suddenly, she’s a stunt driver. The dialogue here is critical. Neeson is sitting shotgun and for a healthy five minutes he says, “c’mon Kim!” and “let’s go, Kim!” over and over and over again. It’s funny, this never works when I use it to spur a baseball team to victory, but it turns Kim from novice into the guy in Drive.
Should I back up? I guess. Sigh. In the first Taken, Neeson killed a bunch of white-slavery-mob assholes. Now their patriarch has come back to “take” Neeson and family. No one says “kidnap.” Why not? Dunno. Just like the first: fist fights, knife fights and gun fights ensue. Taken happens; escape happens. Hah! Yeah, I don’t get enough of the non-American thugs not paying attention because they’re addicted to soccer cliché. Do you? And like the first, boy do we get an earful of carefully placed pretentious rhetoric. We get a lecture from Neeson on the difference between ‘justice’ and ‘vengeance.’ This from a character who has grenades randomly detonated in Istanbul in lieu of a GPS. Was that before or after he shot the cop and barreled into the US Embassy with a car? I can’t remember. Oh, and when you intentionally crash into the US Embassy, they let you right out with a handgun to go after more bad guys, right?
Did I point out the part where the bad guys all have crescent tattoos between thumb and index finger? And there’s an establishing shot of a mosque right before or after every mention of evil plans? Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all.
Folks, you wanna get high and mighty on how stupid Taken 2 is, be my guest, but know this – it wasn’t any different in plot, philosophy or action from the first. Both movies sucked and it’s time we all acknowledge that.
The man with the skill set is back
Not lacking for things to attack
He slices up Turkey
With righteousness murky
And then he goes free? You’re on crack.
Rated PG-13, 91 Minutes
D: Olivier Megaton, the explosive device available by mail order in 2025
W: Luc Besson, Robert Mark Kamen
Genre: End justifies the means
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Vigilante wannabes
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Those with Stockholm Syndrome
