The invasion of the United States begins in Spokane, huh? Interesting choice. And rustic Americans fold faster than The Flash at an Origami competition. My, we do have an imagination, don’t we? Well, not for dialogue or central plot, of course. Yes, the Russians are here! Oops. I mean the North Koreans are here! Good for them. Well, they would have been here earlier, of course, but Red Dawn has been in the can without a distributor for two years now. Gee, can’t think why. Thank you, Thor & Peeta; without your being attached to successful projects, this one would never have made it to theaters!
The original Red Dawn was made during the Reagan era cold war. The idea of thwarting those pesky Russkies enslaving we poor, right-thinking Americans made sense to that particular paranoia. Now, we’re being invaded by North Korea. I don’t think this even makes sense to North Koreans. You want to deal with angry gun-toting Americans on their home turf? Surely there can’t be more than, say, fifty million of ‘em or so. Why do think nobody gives a crap about paying our national debt? “Yeah, China. Good luck collecting.”
Current population of North Korea: 24.5 M. Current number of U.S. gun owners: estimated between 70-80 M. I’m sorry, you were saying?
So one Saturday — that was probably a good plan, take over the United States on a Saturday, because even if you fail, you’ve totally spoiled our weekend — a bunch o’ punk kids wake up and discover they’re late for internment camp. Oh no! All the good stocks will be taken! Seriously, this is the plot: dudes wake up in Spokane and it’s raining hostile North Koreans and for some reason, nobody’s fighting back. The US electrical grid has been shut down and the Koreans have 
control because of some sort of magical briefcase. The kids take it upon themselves to fight back. I’m so proud.
Jed (Chris Hemsworth) –the rebellion is going to be led by a guy named “Jed.” Okay. — the only remaining free soul of drinking age is a marine which is great because, well, the kids don’t want to get carded, now do they? He rallies the troops under some ridiculous speech about how “over there [the Middle East], we’re the good guys, but here, we’re the bad guys.” Wait. We’re the bad guys? Who wrote this? Look, I know you’re conflicted about U.S. activity in the Middle East, but why even go the good guy/bad guy route? Because you’ll get 0% of Americans to agree that an invading North Korea is the “good guys” once they hold control of Washington State.
Oh, screw it. This movie was a stupid waste of time and I rated it waaaaay too high.
♪Dawn!
Go away, I’m too good for you
Red Dawn.
This remake is unneeded poo
Hang me
Hang me here now
Think!
What tripe is on screen
Think!
Where this screenplay has been
Now think how this dreck is more than a little obscene♫
Rated PG-13, 114 Minutes
D: Dan Bradley
W: Carl Ellsworth and Jeremy Passmore
Genre: Paranoia
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: (the late) Patrick Swayze
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: North Koreans
