I liked Gangster Squad better in 1987 when it was called The Untouchables. Well, everybody did. Get out your taunting poles, not-so-greatest generation; it’s time to tell them thar young ‘uns how ter make a movie.
Untouchables is the cinematic downfall of 1930s Chicago mobster Al Capone (Robert DeNiro). You can pretend all you want the downfall of 1940s LA kingpin Mickey Cohen (Sean Penn) was significant, but everybody knows the west coast didn’t exist until the Brooklyn Dodgers moved here in 1957. And DeNiro was better.
- No-nonsense family man cop Sgt. John O’Mara (Josh Brolin) leads the handpicked Gangster Squad, just as no-nonsense family t-man Eliot Ness (Kevin Costner) put together the Untouchables. Costner was better.
- Robert Patrick is the Squad sharpshooter; Andy Garcia is the Untouchable marksman. Garcia was better.
- The shocking slaying of runt-nerd Giovanni Ribisi in Gangster Squad doesn’t match the shocking slaying of runt-nerd Charles Martin Smith in the Untouchables. (I’d sheepishly apologize, “spoiler” here, but this death was telegraphed from the moment we meet Ribisi.
- Ruben Fleischer v. Brian De Palma, are you kidding? The Untouchables climactic slow-motion shootout in the train station is one of those action scenes that ends up on your life highlight reel at the Oscars. The corresponding hotel lobby at Christmas shootout in Gangster Squad will last all the way to the theater lobby as you exit.
Ok, I’m not actually here to tell you the movies of a generation ago are better. Generally, they aren’t. Gangster Squad did introduce some color into the 1930s head-cracking game. How very United Colors of Benetton of you. As neither Michael Peña nor Anthony Mackie has much to do, it’s kind of a wash.
“So what if I haven’t seen The Untouchables?”
Well, that would clearly render this review meaningless. Thanks a lot. Does Gangster Squad stand on its own? Sort of. It’s pretty paint by numbers, even without being an Untouchable rip-off. Seen it. Been there. Done that. What a shame, because this film looked new, too. Nice shiny parts. I just love Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling, don’t you? How could they be bad? Emma looks lost. Ryan speaks an octave higher than I’m used to him speaking. You want to see good Stone Gosling? Go watch Crazy, Stupid, Love again. What? You haven’t seen that, either? Just stop. Stop reading. Get out of this review. Here. Here’s the review to The Avengers … or The Hobbit. Maybe you’ve seen one of them.
Cliché!
Hey, hey!
Tomorrow’s just a day away
Cliché!
Hey, hey!
The hero gets the final say
When everything seems lost, give hope
Originality? Ha! You dope.
Just once again into that fray
Fight ‘til you grow old and grey
One at a time what we’ll play
Gingivitis can cause tooth decay
Now your feelings do you betray
Cliché!
Rated R, 113 Minutes
D: Ruben Fleischer
W: Will Beall
Genre: Cliché
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The enforcement fascinated
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The already initiated
