Ok, geez, let’s get this over with. This in an awkward family photo in movie form.
Remember when Billy Crystal was funny? With each year, each Academy presentation and each substandard appearance we grow further from that time. Right now, Billy Crystal is about as funny as neocon apologist Bill Kristol. What could be more entertaining than a senior citizen pretending to be a teen to announce X-Games? I mean, besides anything.
Artie Decker, yes “Artie Decker”, (Crystal) is fired as announcer for the Fresno Giants. Billy makes a believable baseball play-by-play guy, which is to say: try not to fall asleep in the first five minutes. Assuming you are still awake, you’ll notice he’s married to Bette Midler, who plays Bette Midler again, and they have an estranged daughter raising a new-fangled family. When son-in-law Phil (Tom Everett Scott) wins an award trip for a computerized household maintenance program “R-life” — it’s this thing he does ;) , daughter Alice (Marisa Tomei) summons her parents to sit for their three precocious children. Let me stop right here — the middle child Turner (Joshua Rush) has a stutter almost as believable as the plot. The youngest, a basket case named Barker (Kyle Harrison Breitkopf), is a collection of quirks only Hollywood could invent while still pretending there’s a normal kid there. Kid has an imaginary kangaroo friend? OK, not yet psychologist material. Kid panics and chases escaping imaginary kangaroo friend 
into street? Um, guys, this child needs professional help, not a part-time grandpa.
There are two moments that describe for me exactly what Parental Guidance is all about:
1) When Billy prompts the kids to call him “Artie,” the youngest responds with “Fartie.” Oh, sure, that’s reasonable, but not in the slightest bit funny, not even when it gets into the house software. See, the house now calls him “Fartie” because it’s been programmed into R-life. R-D-R-R.
2) At a little league baseball game, Artie gets up-in-arms when he realizes that the PC mafia has neutered the rules of the game. A child gets a third strike called only to stay at bat because all kids “hit until they get on base.” This set-up is wrong, or course. Baseball leagues where children don’t get out certainly exist, but they don’t have snazzy uniforms, umpires, or pitchers. I mean, what the point? But we know this scene exists solely for stomach-churned pandering to incense the elderly, upset by the modern PC plague. A younger Billy Crystal would have sharply ridiculed without getting involved. This one made an ass of himself, in turn undermining the solidarity he might have had with the older audience.
There is redemption here for those in desperate need of happy endings. It doesn’t make sense, of course — the bad grandparenting involving bribery, negligence and dressing down authority figures has no basis in helping child development, and couldn’t possibly alleviate major issues inside of one week even if it could. Either that, or I’ve been doing the parenting all wrong. It’s that thing I do.
The parents aren’t very keen
When Billy & Bette arrive on the scene
But who needs a hand
With parenting planned
And humor served ever so lean?
Rated PG, 104 Minutes
D: Andy Fickman
W: Lisa Addario, Joe Syracuse
Genre: Generation gap gaffs
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Sense-of-humor challenged grandparents
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: PC parenting fans
