It’s hard to sneak up behind somebody with a chainsaw. This film should have had a deaf character. Well, it should have had a lot of things. I’m going to spoil Texas Chainsaw 3D. I’m going to spoil it with spite and malice just like the way Chainsaw abused my passing interest. I am prepared to wreck this film like the Hulk at a port-a-potty.
Ok, basic horror set-up – PYT Heather (Alexandra Daddario) and three or four hot friends decide to check out her new inheritance. Tell her what she’s won, Johnny … An estate! In Texas! Filled with lots of expensive doily-related trinkets. Back to you, Don. Unfortunately, no one told her there’s a mass-murdering psychopath living in the basement. Ummm, you didn’t think that little detail was important? Perhaps it wasn’t. Rule of thumb in any horror film is hot teens are a dime a dozen.
Confused, alarmed, embarrassed, bored (pick a motivation, any motivation) by the newcomers, Leatherface, a human-face wearing, chainsaw-wielding man-child, starts making human liver pâté the hard way. Given the premise, I expected a great deal more horror. The body count is low. Minimal chainsawing as well. As, for that part, were all classic elements of horror. It wasn’t particularly scary, violent, disgusting, nauseating. There’s far more awful in the chainsaw scene of Scarface than in all of Texas Chainsaw 3D.
As Texas Chainsaw 3D left so small a footprint in my mind, I have absolutely no qualms about SPOILING it right here:
During the film Heather does the slowest striptease in recorded history, losing a button for every 20 minutes of movie. At the climax, she’s tied up with a completely unbuttoned shirt and no bra underneath. What did you do? Unbutton her shirt, remove her bra, and put her shirt back on and then tie her up? That doesn’t make sense. The shirt flaps conceal enough of the bosom to garner a PG-13 rating. Why the lame cover up? To preserve a PG-13 rating in a film about graphic chainsaw murders? Oh, and who ties her up? The mayor. Why does the mayor 
tie her up? No idea. Something about covering up the original chainsaw massacre, but it doesn’t make sense. This set of scenes exists for the purpose of creating another antagonist. And why do we need another antagonist? So that when Leatherface becomes Cousin Leatherface by spying the family birthmark above Heather’s left breast, they can team up.
I’m not making this up.
At this point, Texas Chainsaw 3D would have worked better as a comedy. So, uh, “Heather” is it? You’re not bothered by the fact that this homicidal meat puppet carved up four of your friends already … no? And you’re not bothered that he chased you around for several miles with the same intent, no? And now you’re not bothered playing puppet-master [read: God] to Captain Chainsaw? Ok, I’m not bothered by calling this among the worst films I’ve ever seen.
Leatherface has style sans inhibit
And police might try to prohibit
Carving up jerks
Now in the works
Get ready for the brand new exhibit
Rated R, 92 Minutes
D: John Luessenhop
W: Adam Marcus, Debra Sullivan & Kristen Elms
Genre: Cynical cash-in remake
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The horror desperate
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People who value things.
