Sylvester Stallone has forgotten what makes the audience cheer. We need a better reason than “hitman revenge.” We need to feel that the world is a better place when the hitman gets done with his job. We need to say, “he’s bad, but he’s doing a favor for society.” One of the big trailer lines in Bullet to the Head is barSly offering, “when I’m done with this drink, I’m done with you.” The trailer would lead you to believe that 1) he’s talking to a bad guy and 2) a fight is gonna happen when that drink is finished. Neither of those statements is true. And Stallone saying it to a would-be partner? If you have fans remaining, Sylvester, this isn’t what they want to see.
In the style of modern screenwriting, this Sylvester Stallone screengem combines the bad buddy pic with the bad revenge pic and the bad gritty crime thriller. The bad guys who hire Bobo (Stallone. Yes, “Bobo”) take out his partner after a completed job (fellas, that’s just bad business). Bo knows he’s been had, but can’t get his revenge until teaming up with Korean-American cop Kwon (Sung Kang). Bo saves Kwon several times and then he’s a dick. And Kwon is a dick right back. This is quite the merry romp.
I’m really not sure what to make of the blatant bigotry in Bullet to the Head. I couldn’t catch all the slurs, but I did catch Bo call his partner “Cato” “Confucius” “Charlie Chan” and a few others. Kwon drew the line at “Samurai” of all things, noting that such was Japanese and pointing out, “that’s like saying ‘my favorite Italian food is tacos’.” Bo calls that a “stupid analogy” and that comment gets left on screen to drift away. So
what do you make of a film in which the main character makes unapologetic marginal ethnic slurs, but the screenplay is aware of it? I should point out at this time that every single female character in the film gets naked at least once while none of the men do. I’m coming down on the side of bullshit.
There’s a good hand-to-hand axe battle featuring Stallone v. Jason Momoa (one day this guy is gonna appear in a film rating higher than one star. One day.) Stallone accepts the challenge with the quip, “what are we, Vikings?” and I realized this is Stallone’s current career –he enters every battle as the slightly morally superior bad guy, literally says anything, and a fight ensues that is entertaining because Stallone is involved. Did I get that right? My thought is why stop quipping? I mean, long as this is a requisite, let’s have some fun with it. Stallone could come out and say something like, “This fight means so little to me, I’m gonna go over my shopping list while beating you up.” He opens with a few jabs while saying, “milk … butter … cat food” Then he punches the guy in the nose, “… eggs …” He flattens his opponent with a haymaker, “…pancake mix…” His opponent gets up, shows some good moves and gloats. “Hot dogs. Definitely need hot dogs.” The guy lands a punch in Stallone’s ear. Unphased, Sly says, “Cauliflower! Thank you. I always forget that.” A few mid-section punches, “ribs … boneless chicken breast …” Finally, Stallone finishes, “…fruit punch…” knocking his opponent out cold. “…ham…cheese …” The camera flashes to the money (there’s always money) , “…lettuce…” then pans to the pile of bad guy, “…and lots of green, leafy vegetables.”
In my mind, that’s the Stallone fight I’d rather see. Feel free to imagine your own better film while suffering through Bullet to the Head.
Double-crossed hitman wants to get even
Added partner requires some believin’
Personality clash leaves you wondering “why?”
This buddy-pic gambit — it’s just not Sly
Rated R, 92 Minutes
D: Walter Hill
W: Alessandro Camon
Genre: Not-so-Sly
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Frank Stallone
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: PC freaks
