Is it G–Gemma, as in “Gummy” or J-Gemma, as in “Jumanji”? You’d think I’d know. And if Gemma Arterton ever does something on screen that pries my eyelids open, I’ll make sure to remember. She comes very close in near miss Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters – a film much better in concept than presentation. Not unlike Hook, we follow the kiddy-lit tale as a pretext and then root ourselves to the adult aftermath. Getting a taste for blood, the young Hansel and Gretel grow to adults who roam the countryside killing witches for fun and profit. Mostly profit.
To be fair, the concept here is lacking, too. Essentially, this is a tale of mercenaries. Gemma Arterton makes a fetching mercenary, sure. No matter how you slice it, fillet it, or burn it medium-well at the stake, mercenary is still not a good protagonist ID. Why? It’s simple – either your subject kills for enjoyment, which is bad, or kills for a salary, which is also bad.
This is more Jeremy Renner cashing in, of course. I don’t deny his talent, but I’m not sold on his stardom. Witch Hunters is a perfect example — this movie is just an excuse for dude and dudette to look cool in medieval mace action form. The action game is where we separate Bruce Willis, say, from Fred Ward. I say this 
with all due respect to Fred Ward, because I like him, too, but Jeremy Renner is much more Ward than Willis. I could be wrong about this — after all, if one judges Hugh Jackman solely by Van Helsing, the guy never works again.
Witch Hunters has a number of cutesy modern touches to the medieval-looking tale. Hansel is diabetic (ha! Get it?) and needs insulin shot several times a day, as timed by his wristwatch. Insulin? Wristwatch? Forget it. Kids go missing in the film and their hand-drawn likenesses appear tied to glass milk bottles. Glass bottles? Trying to guess what period of time denotes the setting is a challenge unto itself. A time in which humanity lived in forested huts and feared witchcraft and yet also a time which includes repeating rifles and syringes. Ella Enchanted was better at playing this particular game.
Following the Hook formula is bad. Deliberately positioning your movie for sequel is bad. Planting your box office seedling in the Jeremy Renner garden? Not bad, as yet. But running out of reasons why. You want to see an adult brother and sister, neither with even a tiny semblance of a social life, prance about forests attacking supernatural beings with modified crossbows? Go for it.
H & G went through the trees
To grab a pile of sweets
H & G found a crone
Who thought, “thems good to eats.”
H & G baked that witch
And escaped shortly thereafter
Now the two hunt hags for ‘fun’
In their lives there ain’t much laughter
Rated R, 88 Minutes
D: Tommy Wirkola
W: Tommy Wirkola, Dante Harper
Genre: Fantasilly
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: An alchemist
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “Burn her! Burn Gemma Arterton!”
