I’m desperately searching my memory for less pleasant film characters. We’re in Jar Jar Binks territory here, folks. This has nothing to do with Rex Reed‘s assholery and everything to do with Diana (Melissa McCarthy) chewing the screen like a mutt with feces. Diana, I’m calling her Diana by default because she is a true Identity Thief, is completely bereft in the positives category while stuffed to the gills with negatives. Seriously — rude, callous, unkind, manipulative, awful … you name it, it’s there. Draw up one of those good/bad ledgers to evaluate a decision and the entire devil side will be crammed while angel side remains empty.
Sandy Patterson (Jason Bateman) is a stud accountant who should know the difference between a legitimate inquiry and fraud, but if he doesn’t take the bait, an awful movie can’t be made. Before you can say, “Bridesmaids,” the worst woman in North America has stolen the name Sandy Patterson and used it to get into trouble. Lots of trouble, including legal trouble … and mob trouble … and plot trouble. There isn’t a single moment of this screenplay which rings true as demonstrated by the scenes following in which police grab the real Patterson and then both believe his alibi, yet refuse to do anything about it. So the idiot plot follows: everymilquetoast Jason goes to Florida to coax the woman who has made a wreck of his life to come back with him to Denver.
Naturally, this evolves into the odd-couple-road-trip-buddy-pic (never a good idea) but the more that goes on, the less fun it is. Ok, I’m stopping the generalities — here’s some examples: Diana’s go-to 
move is punching somebody in the throat. It’s practically her way of saying, “hi.” I needed to see this once before finding it contemptible. At a restaurant on the trip, Sandy asks Diana kindly to curtail portions as they’re on a budget. When she won’t and he protests, she raises it to the level of “may I have your attention, please,” boisterously playing the fat card and emasculating him at the same time in public. As of the end of this scene, I officially hated this movie, but I still had the redneck bounty hunter, the mob duo, the ugly hotel sex and, oh yes, my favorite, the scene in which honest Sandy actually makes the conscious choice to try identity thieving on his own — well, you know, if the guy really deserves it, sure, why not? — to go.
For the moment, let’s pretend that I don’t loathe identity thieves. That I don’t find them lower than retirement fund embezzlers, murderers and people who stop in the middle of the road in front of me without signaling or putting on their hazards. Yes, let us suppose that “identity thief” is a perfectly reasonable protagonist profession. You know my credo: if the film is funny, everything is forgivable. This ain’t funny.
Identity Thief, like a few others past (The Pink Panther remake comes to mind) is a classic stone-face movie. I stare at the screen. I hear others laugh. I want to laugh but there’s no joy in anything. I don’t find making a man watch disgusting sex against his will the slightest bit amusing. And of course, it’s not even sex. This film has no balls; it’s disgusting strip tease. And more tease than strip at that. And all the awful leads to yet another one of those, “but she was really misunderstood” endings. Oh, eat crap. 10 minutes of “by the way, I might have some nice qualities” does not atone for 95 minutes of pain.
If honesty you’re believing
This shyster will leave you grieving
If you stay to the end,
You’ll discover, my friend
It’s your time that she’s been thieving
Rated R, 112 Minutes
D: Seth Gordon
W: Craig Mazin and Jerry “that’s good” Eeten
Genre: Nauseating buddy pic
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Immature assholes
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Everybody else
