Thrill to Jason Statham pretending to be Texan! You know, there are those who believe I don’t like any movie. No, really. To them I pronounce loudly that I’m giving a pass to a film in which Jason Statham spends more than 20 lines of dialogue attacking a Texan accent. And his effort is not unlike his kick-boxing. When he’s done mangling, you neither recognize the accent nor wish to. And while that might stampede your sensibilities, it shouldn’t impede your enjoyment of Parker, yet another Hollywood homage to its favorite oxymoron: the honorable thief.
Title character Parker (Statham) opens the movie co-robbing a state fair. We get a good sense of the man as he takes time from prying open a safe to calm a hyperventilating guard. And there’s nice irony in that Parker is dressed as a priest when he does this. The flee is smooth, but in the getaway SUV (A- for originality, D for style), the comeraderie changes. Head Otherrobber Melander (Michael Chiklis) tempts a Parker parlay. Whence “no” from Parker, the mood turns darker. In the ensuing melee, Melander – almost literally riding shotgun, manages to miss Parker sitting behind driver in two shots. Careful there, deadeye. Parker, of course, does eventually get shot and tossed in a ditch. This is important because he has to 
something to recover from in fewer than 10 hours.
From this moment on, Otherrobbers inexplicably stick together in a bizarre tightly-knit pack, as if their lives depended on proximity. They drive together, rob together, live together, work together, go for take-out together, I’m glad I didn’t get the details beyond. Maybe they all share the same brain-orb or something. Hey, was Parker sci-fi and I just too daft to realize it? Hmmmm.
Parker tracks the posse to Florida where he fakes Gringo to team up with Leslie (JLo). That’s right, Jennifer Lopez and her ass are back. And we’re glad to have them back. I daresay I’ve missed them. Oh, I know about What to Expect When You’re Expecting. I stand by my statement.
Parker, like most vengeance-in-the-name-of-honor films, is enjoyable, but in retrospect as forgettable as most new January fare. You can see it in the half-assed direction, like when the bad guys retreat as one for coffee and we get a full uncut shot on their garage door closing. You just know somebody is timing Statham’s appearance to make his slip-under-the-closing garage door both plausible and cool. And for good measure, we get this scene both coming and going. Personally, I recommend this film only once.
Jason Statham is the boss
His blokes prefer a double cross
Don’t just kick and shoot him, please
His Jason resilience is level Vorhees
Rated R, 118 Minutes
D: Taylor Hackford
W: John J. McLaughlin
Genre: Honor among thief
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: the guys who made Payback
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: JLo haters
