Welcome to the Age of Jade. The age is marked by the taking of an existing premise, tweaking slightly, and pretending you have a whole new film. A film full of light and color and sound and completely devoid of this thing we call “human emotion.”
Supernova brothers Gary (voice of Rob Corddry) and Scorch (voice of Brendan Fraser) are the NASA men of planet Baab [read: “bob” — don’t knock it. It’s one of very few things to like about this film]. Baab’s inhabitants, strangely, speak, read and write English. They also behave, pretty much, like dim-witted American teens. In fact, the only clear difference between the one and the other is that the Baabs resemble anthropomorphized tropical fish. Maybe it’s evolutionarily aerodynamic for intergalactic voyage.
Despite the culture of moron festered (yeah, I “meant” fostered) by the blue non-man group, they have managed to conquer space travel and 
even privatized the venture for minimal government intrusion. The latter is just my take; I have no idea how these idiots manage to go to the corner store, much less galaxy hop. The amount of people required to launch a Baab ship is zero; it can be done by the sentient on-board computer system (voice of Ricky Gervais). The system avoids the conflict, but is probably the real cause of the strife between the hunky, heroic, dumbbell Scorch and the scrawny braniac Gary. Yes, our interstellar protagonist is named … “Gary.” I’m taking on faith these labels as the difference between dumbbell and braniac on Baab seems about 5 IQ points.
Anyhoo, Scorch and Gary have a fall out. Scorch goes to Earth, gets captured and Gary, feeling for his brother, follows Scorch to Earth and … gets captured. In Area 51 prison, we are introduced to new crazy galactic friends, who also speak English, of course. This scene is straight out of Monsters v. Aliens except for the fact that it wasn’t especially funny or interesting. I’d describe the villain here, but you’re really just wasting your time as is. Truth is, I fell asleep right before the escape, so I neither know, nor care how it happened. Like Mars Needs Moms and Planet 51 before it, the inventive- and originality-challenged Escape from Planet Earth is another cynical animated 3D device created to part adults from cash. Don’t be that dad.
Welcome to planet earth
With just a small semblance of mirth
Lacking in charm-y
The mood: all army
And of humor, there is a dearth
Rated PG, 89 Minutes
D: Cal Brunker
W: Bob Barlen, Cal Brunker
Genre: Monsters v. Aliens rip off
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Kids who will watch anything
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Parents wishing their kids didn’t just “watch anything.”
