Previously on Last Exorcism you’ll recall that everybody died with the exception the girl possessed by the demon Absalom. It was an impressive 0-fer as exorcisms go. For Part II of the tale, the cameras are at omniscient observer mode and the girl now has a mild case of possession (kinda like hives).
Nell (Ashley Bell) has grown up to be 4th runner up in a Amy Adams wannabe contest. After being cleaned and pressed, she’s sent to a wayward girls home in New Orleans, where she rooms with a reincarnated Harpo Marx. But there’s trouble – she can’t have a boyfriend because her demon ex keeps crank calling her. I cannot stress enough how little game Absalom has. He puts an awful lot of time into wanting to score with Nell. One would hope he had a 
higher purpose, but he pretty much just wants to get some. So how does he go about it? Candy, flowers, expensive gifts? Naw. None that stuff; it might work. No, old Absalom decides to butter up Nell by creeping her out. Why not have one of those painted statue dudes follow her around? That gets women in the mood, right? How about showing her people having epileptic fits? I know that always gives me wood. Seriously, this is your plan? How long have you known humans?
It gets better. Turns out part of the demon remains inside Nell, hence the “Exorcism” part. So you’re telling me that Absalom is having trouble scoring with … himself. How bad at this do you have to be? “What can I say? I just wasn’t in the mood. And then I played hard to get, which made me a little impatient; you know how I hate that.” That has to be some sort of critical barrier for “loser.” A week into not getting to first base with yourself and even your diary has to be saying, “give it up, man, become a monk.” The kind of monk who embraces evil instead of fighting it – there’s gotta be an opening.
Starting with the ridiculous title, there is so much wrong with Last Exorcism Part II, I cannot really describe it all, so let me hit the lowlights: The good scares all happen in the first 15 minutes … that’s the way it’s supposed to be, right? And, hey, we’re in New Orleans during Mardi Gras, with an R-rated story that takes place mostly in a girls dorm. Can you guess the breast count? No, no, guess. Give you a hint; it’s a whole number. Make that a hole number. My favorite delve into demonland here is the mass bird suicide upon a church. This is second major film in a week with a mass bird suicide. The difference here? When Nell goes outside, we see the last of the crows making fatal contact with the church. Ok, so what? Well, from the trajectory and kamikaze position upon impact, it’s clear that this bird had not flown, but was thrown onto the side of the building. Thrown. Like somebody directed that. Stands to reason that somebody directed the rest of the movie as well, but there’s little evidence of it.
♪Show ‘em you’re all human
Show ‘em what you can do!
The taste of ancient Christian faith
Drives out the demon in you! ♫
Rated PG-13, 88 Minutes
D: Ed Gass-Donnelly
W: Damien Chazelle & Ed Gass-Donnelly
Genre: Not-so-found-footage
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The demon Absalom, maybe, but even at that …
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Fans of found footage
♪ Parody Inspired by “Frosted Flakes”
