Gee, and to think all you guys had to do was change your focus from –how shall I put this?- penis yardstick measuring. Fast & Furious used to be all about muscle cars and posturing. For me, this got old both fast and furious. Revving an engine doesn’t rev my engine, so to speak, and I’m afraid I just don’t give a pair of brass lug nuts about the acting skills of Vin Diesel or Paul Walker. (And, to be honest, I don’t see Hollywood begging for ‘em much, either) For four full films, I patiently waited for this franchise to consider that not every man, woman and child on the planet judges life by how much torque is in your personal chassy. Finally, with Five Fast Five Furious, these guys figured out the formula to satisfy me:
- Get a really confusing plot
- Never let more than three scenes happen without something cool and potentially lethal going down
- Make the action only peripherally auto-centric
- Improve the stunts
The confusing plot is important because you want to keep the audience from yawning in-between action scenes. Many like myself get bored with all the posturing. The key is one scene posture, next scene life statement of some kind (“that’s what family is for”) and then a confusing plot point leading to action. Why is Brian (Walker) going to jail undercover in a country where he’s wanted for crimes against the state? By the time you figure out that’s just stupid and there’s nothing to be gained from such an idiotic gambit, we’ve already had two street races, a lethal shiv battle and some fun with rifle laser sights. See how that works? So much action, you don’t care why he did it … and now you’re ready again for 45 seconds of Vin Diesel life coaching.
By the old FF standard, there’d be some stupid drug-running “intrigue.” It would go on for hours while you wait patienty for something to happen, not unlike the original Rollerball. And FF is the exact right description, because that remote button is all you’ll be thinking about while St. Vincent and Sir Paul discuss existentialism and muscle shirts.
Hmmm … so in-between cool stunts and drag racing, I think there was a plot here. Lemme see if I can remember it as if that matters one little bit – I think to understand the plot, you have to get that there’s like a Legion of Doom to our car-racing Superfriends. Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) “interrogates” a Vin Diesel doppelganger caught in the act
and suddenly we discover a new gang of custom-street vehicle high-tech anti-law uncatchable burglars led by Luke Evans (who -get this- looks a good deal like Paul Walker. Coincidence?). The Rock has no choice but to get the band back together because, as we all know, the law is helpless to stop motivated muscle car enthusiasts. Dom (Diesel) is reluctant, but once shown Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) is alive and working for Legion of Doom, well, he’s in. Personally, I think it was a bad idea to make Letty a motivation. It presumes we give a crap about anything that has happened in any previous episode of Fast & Furious. Personally, I treat them as sitcoms. Yeah, that was fun; see you again in two years. Characters grow? Change? Evolve? Yeah, that’s why they’re still treating bystander safety as optional.
Michelle Rodriguez has a grimace for every occasion. Few actresses can look pissed off in a love scene, but she has a gift. You wanna save Señorita Scowlita? You wanna battle international criminals over that? Be my guest. I’m gonna read a newspaper.
All of that? Of no importance whatsoever. FF6 has fantastic stunts and just enough of everything to please ticket buyers. Might even be a bit too much of everything, now that I think of it. Tell you what: see the film and report back on exactly how many one-on-one battles took place during the climax. I counted eight, but that might be conservative depending on how you view circumstance … and how long is the runway battleground? Because I think it was roughly the length of I-5. Congratulations, Fast & Furious, you’ve made a deft transition to Mad Max.
♪Here in my car
I can shave my head clean
I can make lots of dough
I can race fast or … well faster
In cars
Here in my car
I can infiltrate security
I can escape extradition
I can measure my manhood
In cars♫
Rated PG-13, 130 Minutes
D: Justin Lin
W: Chris Morgan
Genre: Cool
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Vin Diesel wannabes
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Film festival denizens
♪ Parody Inspired by “Cars”
