I always root for the players. With respect to the owners, that is. Whenever there’s an owners v. players conflict in professional sports, I always root for the players. We come to see them play. If I want to owners in action, I’ll invest in the stock market. Players overpaid? Of course they are … but we come to watch them, and I guarantee you’ll find almost no one so overvalued as the owner of a professional sporting franchise. Don’t like it? Don’t buy a ticket.
So what do you do about the guys with egos as inflated as those of professional athletes, but aren’t on that level? Bodybuilder Daniel Lugo (Mark Wahlberg) has among the most advanced senses of entitlement known to man. I want to emphasize here that I sympathize with actual playing players. To have the entitlement attitude without even hitting a baseball or making a tackle seems so, so wrong. Danny can’t stand that he’s achieved a perfectly formed muscular physique and uses it to hold a demeaning job as trainer at a local Miami gym. Hence, it’s time to exercise 
his perfectly formed muscle head as well. No pain, no gain, right?
Before long, Danny and moronic cohorts Adrian Doorbal (Anthony Mackie) and Paul Doyle (Dwayne Johnson) hatch a scheme to rid rich asshole Victor Kershaw (Tony Shalhoub) of his millions. I love that the trio is a rainbow collection – stupid doesn’t know creed or color. “What’s the plan?” you ask. Kidnap Kershaw and torture him until he signs the loot away legally. Foolproof, huh? You have to remind yourself this is based in a true story, which the movie does, tongue in cheek, right after the fellas take a laundry press to Victor’s hands. A subtlety of the plan is that it actually is effective for a time, primarily because Kershaw is such an asshole. Question for all of you who have something to lose: who would miss you if you were gone?
I would not have guessed that the director of Transformers and Pearl Harbor was capable of black humor. It’s clear, however, that Michael Bay not only has little sympathy for his subjects; he has a good laugh at their actions. The trio counters most missteps by lifting weights and getting a good workout in. Danny’s tell is an odious cologne; God-fearing Paul makes the kidnapped, blindfolded Kershaw accept Jesus Christ as his personal savior; Adrian’s motivation is tied to the expense of steroid-induced genitalia malfunction repair. Sorry to all Michael Bay haters, and there are many of us, but a muscleman hobbled by steroids pulling a laundry list of serious felonies in order to get his personal barbell back in working order is flat-out hilarious. Clean and jerk that, buddy. KnowwhatI’msayin’?
If you find yourself identifying with any single character in Pain & Gain, you should probably see a therapist. It’s not even that the portrayals here are unrealistic so much as emotionally lopsided. Body builders have no need for soft tissue. Are we saying they have no need for soft emotions as well? Or maybe we’re just having a laugh. If you can live with idiots and their R-rated idiot plot, Pain & Gain is much smarter than it has any right to be.
Three lifters one might say were vain
Plan a kidnapping just north of insane
The plan verged on odd
The guys have ample bod
But counter with: “No brain, no gain.”
Rated R, 129 Minutes
D: Michael Bay
W: Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely
Genre: Idiot caper
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Muscleheads
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Muscleheads smart enough to get the message
