What’s that? You say you find your husband dull and predictable? His patter has grown boring? What the HELL is wrong with you?! He’s still there, ain’t he? Now get in there, make him dinner and suck his dick – he’s earned it, dammit! He’s earned it just by showing up. How dare you!
Bless you, Tyler Perry. I never quite know which way is right until you show me exactly what’s wrong. Yes, Tyler is back for his annual “drama.” This is distinguishable from his annual “comedy” for lack of a man the size of an NFL linebacker poorly disguised as your grandmother. But drama or comedy, you can count on Tyler Perry to deliver shallow writing, terrible acting and vomit-inductive preaching. And all in a “tidy” 111 minutes, oooo.
Three weeks removed from school, Judith (Jurnee Smollett-Bell) is a marriage counselor wannabe. Yes, she is. Wow. That takes me back. I can remember all the times I dreamed of being a marriage counselor. *sigh* Guess I just didn’t have the talent. I know, I know, but it’s too late now. Those are dreams for kids. Kids like Judith. Fresh from school, she just started a new job working at a dating service under Queen Bee Janice (Vanessa Williams). Judith is married to Brice (Lance Gross), an aspiring pharmacist – and he’s every bit as exciting as that sounds. They were childhood sweethearts, but six years into marriage, they’ve stagnated, and Judith’s subconscious radar seeks new thrills. In walks Harley (Robbie Jones); the laughable premise here is that he’s another Mark Zuckerberg (the name “Mark Zuckerberg” is even said on several occasions referring to this guy) looking to invest in this particular dating business. Naturally, 
Janice leads him straight to the girl they hired six minutes ago. Hey-Zeus, Tyler, do you know anything about anything?!
I can live with the fact that Vanessa Williams inexplicably adopts the worst fake French accent since Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I can live with a couple who aspire to be a marriage counselor and a pharmacist, respectively. I can live with the fact that black Mark Zuckerberg owns a private plane, is described as a workaholic, and yet has washboard abs, no assistant and spends all his time hanging around the noob. Sure, why not? But here’s where Tyler loses me, and loses me good: Judith has designed a questionnaire for the dating site tailored to evaluate the prospective client. When confronted on why there aren’t any questions about sex, Judith says matter-of-factly, “premarital sex is a sin.” And that, ladies and gentlemen, is that. Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor never addresses the point again; the conversation is used only as a stepping stone to escalate sexual tension between Judith and Harley.
Let me step back a second. *Ahem* Did I hear that right? Now, look, I don’t mind, Tyler, if you have a character who believes premarital sex is a sin. Sure, many believe that. I don’t even mind if you believe that. But you can’t have a premise of a dating site that ignores sex. It’s absurd. Why do you think people join dating sites? Now if it were not enough that Judith shows all the open-mindedness of a drill sergeant here, remember that she’s an aspiring marriage counselor. Can you imagine going to a marriage counselor who fails to recognize sex outside marriage as anything but a sin? Who would opt for that counselor? It boggles the mind. What’s the most common side-effect of a marriage on the rocks? When you aspire to be a marriage counselor, shouldn’t you, perhaps, know the first thing about marriage other than, “I’m in one?” Oh well, welcome to Tyler Perry’s cavalcade of “things I know jack about but didn’t stop me from penning another screenplay …”
I won’t spoil it, like so many other reviewers, but the questionnaire wasn’t even close to the most one-sided preaching of the film.
Harley is The Devil, by-the-way. Oh, Tyler, with your subtleties. You’ve made what? 12 films? And even Disney is saying you need to work on character depth. Harley lures the innocent Judith into his world of money, drugs and influence and then seduces her on his private plane. Well, “seduces” … it’s more like rape … something that now occurs in every other Tyler Perry film. And I didn’t think it could get more obvious or worse but when Judith arrives back home, her bible-thumping preacher of a mom is there waiting. In most movies, the character who spouts holier-than-thou off-topic scripture is seen as unbalanced. In a Tyler Perry film, this is the voice of reason. Man, do I hate Tyler Perry films.
Jurnee’s mediocre acting approach takes the form of a woman who responds to every single situation or piece of dialogue with an expression saying, “I want to leave.” Believe me; I wanted to Jurnee elsewhere, too. The three teens to my left kept having a slap-fight throughout the film. It was disruptive and rude, and yet I realized it was more entertaining than what was on screen.
I have to thank Tyler Perry here for introducing me to a Kardashian; I’ve never actually seen a Kardashian before and taken the time to appreciate such a set of talents. And after fully assimilating Kim Kardashian in the role of frenemy Ava, I have decidedly underestimated what amazing feats can be accomplished with plastic these days – why it can move, talk, sass and almost act. It’s so close to being human, you might even find it more real than that Tintin animation. But enjoying her? Or anything else in Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor? Good luck.
Harlan got in Judith’s head
“Come see my life,” he said
When they take to undressin’
Oh crap! A lesson!
Spare me; I’m going to Evil Dead
Rated PG-13, 111 Minutes
D: Tyler Perry
W: Tyler Perry
Genre: Preachery
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Bible-thumpers
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People with flexible minds
