Dad is scared. It’s a common theme; I believe it’s the same theme that has kept the Republican Party strong for generations. This particular cavedad, Grug (voice of Nicolas Cage) is very scared, indeed, and meant to symbolize the everyday paranoia associated with modern life (ironic, ain’t it?). Presonally, I suspect his overprotectiveness is rooted in Cold War paranoia, but there’s little evidence to back that. His motto is: “never leave the cave. It’s dangerous.” He tells a story every night that ends with a curious protagonist becoming a dead protagonist. It might be funny if Nic Cage’s voicework were better. Dad takes great measures to make sure he practices his preachings.
Enter the family rebel, Eep (Emma Stone). Eep can’t be shut in. You can’t rain on her prehistoric parade, baby. Hmmm, uptight parent, rebellious daughter who wants to see the world. Gee, where have I seen that before? Oh yeah, everywhere. Limited just to two years and major studio animated releases, I can only think of Tangled, Brave, Alvin and the Chipmunks:Chipwrecked, Gnomeo & Juliet, Hotel Transylvania … I’ll stop there. The closest comparison, unfortunately, is that dreadful vampire film. Well, Eep, just like Rapunzel, Belle and Charlize Theron in Monster before her just gotta do her own thang. So when fire catches her eye, she sneaks away from the family dogpile and escapes into the land of fear (i.e. “night’). This is where she 
meets Guy (Ryan Reynolds), the Pleistocene’s beatnik. He’s the first non-family member wide-eyed Eep has ever met, and yet he strikes out. That’s some good flirtin’, Lou.
I’m sorry; I wasn’t particularly fond of the animation, especially when it comes to the fur-loined couple. Quite frankly, I’d rather see a live action caveman film with the same pretty actors. In addition, it would have been mildly clever if Eve’s love interest were named, I dunno, “Odom” maybe – “Odom and Eep,” get it? But in a pinch, Guy will do, especially if you’re looking for the worst character names you can find. Why not just name him: “Gary?” “Gary the Neanderthal.”
Now –get this- within hours of the Guy/Eep meet-cute, The Croods crudhole implodes. Coincidence? I’m not sayin’; I’m just sayin’. Without much choice, they pack up the crudmobile and head somewhere, collecting Guy for the ride. Dad stuffs Guy into an empty log like a pimento in an olive to keep Eep out of trouble, and the Croods, guided by Guy the hors d’oeuvres, go for a little stroll. It’s all new, of course, because they never leave the cave. It would be nicer if this didn’t feel just like a trumped up excuse to remake Ice Age. But that’s exactly what it feels like. Bunch o’ mismatched fellows going that way for what reason? Not entirely sure. There’s a mountain there. Go tell it on the mountain. And by “it,” I mean another tale of curosity killing the sabertooth tiger. At the mountain, decisions are made. Good decisions? Bad decisions? We don’t evaluate, we just play along. I wish that did it for me.
Baby girl gotta fly free
But daddy don’t play that, see?
The plot is a trip
A lame Ice Age rip
In the end, FYNC!
Rated PG, 98 Minutes
D: Kirk De Micco, Chris Sanders
W: Kirk De Micco, Chris Sanders
Genre: Neanderthal cartoon with Neanderthal writing
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Children of 1950s dads
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “I saw this in Ice Age“
