The Great Gatsby is like a sumptuous feast consisting entirely of chocolate. If you can take a seven course dinner of chocolate, this is heaven, baby. The rest of us are gonna want something to go with it. With every frame of Gatsby, I felt Baz Luhrmann suggesting, “check out this 3D stuff! Imagine what I would have done to Moulin Rouge!” I don’t really want to. Rouge already gave me a headache as is. If possible, the look of Gatsby is even worse, constantly demanding your focus like a six-year-old on the monkey bars hailing an inattentive parent. Thus end the similes for paragraph one. Sorry about that.
It takes us a while to find titular figure Jay Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio); first, we have to be bored. This takes the form of Nick Carraway (Tobey Maguire) who acts as sort-of an ambulatory narrator, serving almost no role in the film other than to tell us what the not-so-bland characters might be up to. Far as I can tell, he takes part in none of the action and simply smiles without conviction when assaulted by the stimuli around him. And ‘assault’ is the right word — the picture consistently attacks you with color and sound and life. I feel like Tobey Maguire has done this role before. A lot. Personally, were I an actor, I’d rather have 15 seconds of fun in a film than two hours of meaningless face time. Yup, that’s Tobey Maguire. And there’s more Tobey Maguire. Is he gonna sling a web or something? Because I don’t need to see him sip tea and look dumb.
For several scenes, we simply establish atmosphere – 1920s opulence. If you aren’t the narrator, a floosy or have less than a seven-figure income (oh yeah, three-figure; it’s the 20s), you aren’t allowed in this film for more than a cutaway. There are many parties, and scenes that look like parties even when nothing of the sort is going on. Eventually we find gazillionaire Gatsby, an enigmatic 20s playboy except for the “play” part. Every.single.day, he invites all his friends over to trash his house (woohoo!) while he stands on the sidelines looking bemused. His plan gets revealed slowly, as with most everything in this film – Gatsby wants to get closer to the married Daisy Buchanan (Carey Mulligan). They share a past.
For all the estates of gold and parades of wealth and streaming 3D grand homage masturbation material for your average nonagenarian (boy, there’s a nasty thought. Apologies), the reunion between Gatsby 
and Daisy in Nick’s humble shack next door are the best moments in the film. Daisy doesn’t know what to do; Gatsby is so overwhelmed, he freezes up. Both stare, wanting this to be easier and it isn’t. We even get a “dude, you’re blowing it” guy-moment as a result.
It occurred to me at several points in this film that the time period (1922) is a decade after the Titanic sunk. Gatsby came out 16 years after Titanic, which is … close enough to draw the illusion that Jack Dawson lives at the end of Titanic, loses Rose anyway and this is a sequel of sorts — his effort to draw her back. And it’s a crime that the tale is so heartbreaking – Gatsby wants Daisy; Daisy wants Gatsby. But both made choices long ago. Truth is, the heartbreaking part is as much the eternal pace of the film as the romance. I fell asleep twice through tears waiting for a conclusive moment.
Four parts mind-numbing for every one part moving, The Great Gatsby represents both a visual joyride and spectacular napping opportunity. And it all asks: what is greatness? Is greatness power? Vision? Having a beautiful dream? The attempt to fulfill a beautiful dream? There are deeper thoughts here. You want to love this film, the pieces are so nice, but truth is – it just ain’t that Great.
This neighbor, J
He has a way
What has he in store today?
Daisy, the blonde
And J is fond
Does not matter if the audience yawned
J obsessed
A man possessed
Alas for a screenplay unblessed
Rated PG-13, 143 Minutes
D: Baz Luhrmann
W: Baz Luhrmann
Genre: Fab-ulous!
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Lessee … were you an independently wealthy playboy in the 1920s?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The kid who sees this much flash on the screen and expects something to blow up.
