There’s a part in The Hangover Part III that disturbs me. Not just Grown Ups 2 disturbs me, more like David Lynch disturbs me. Almost “keeps me up at night” disturbs me. Do you remember Alan (Zach Galifianakis)? The “loveable” semi-retarded man-child of wealthy caretakers? Alan has become the wolfpack focus. Screw Ed Helms and Bradley Cooper; we’re all about the bearded one, Zach. Ringing a bell yet? Alan is the companionship-challenged fortysomething who made action happen in Hangover and Hangover II by drugging his friends surreptitiously. How, exactly, does one with the IQ of a fig tree and moral code of your average loofa have constant and unsupervised access to roofies? Yeah, that Alan.
In Hangover Part III, we leave Alan alone with a four-year-old. I know it’s a movie. I know this is the same kid (now significantly grown) he totes around in the first film. Hang with me for a sec — as Hangover III opens, Alan is driving home a recently purchased giraffe (?!) Almost as soon as we have introduced the idea that Alan has purchased a giraffe, he drives the animal into a freeway overpass, decapitating the poor thing in morbid hilarity. Now go back to where I was — this is the guy you leave alone with a small boy? Really? Now I’m not the Hangover guru, so I can’t say for certain, but there are three (3) completed films in the Hangover world … has Alan yet made a good decision in any single one of them? As a parent, this scene felt incredibly creepy and uncomfortable. Clarice-confronting-Lecter level uncomfortable? Maybe not, but that’s what I’m thinking about right now.
The bigger question here is, “why are we making Zach Galifianakis the focal point of the film?” I dunno. Perhaps I’ll figure that out when I figure out why Ken Jeong is allowed to prance about the screen for an unhealthy amount of time. I can’t underscore the amount of mistake here. Ken Jeong is like the cinematic equivalent of a heroin injection directly into your eyeball — wonderful once, maybe, but will cause blindness with repeated use until fatality. Never give this 
guy more than two scenes. Three tops. What’s that? Mr. Chow (Jeong) is the plot? Of course he is. How stupid isn’t that?
Seems Mr. Chow has broken from Thai prison and found his way to his only friend, Alan. Meanwhile, a post-giraffe intervention leads our wolfpack to drive Alan to a clinic. The requisite bad guys, led by Marshall (John Goodman), intercept the pack, run their minivan off the road, steal Doug (Justin Bartha, because HEAVEN FORFEND we ever expand his role in these films) and leave Phil (Cooper), Stu (Helms) and Alan to have some Chow fun. Just make sure you get fortune cookies afterwards. I could almost take the plot to this point. OK, so no actual hangover in a film titled Hangover. Well, it is a sequel, what are they gonna do, make the same film again? After the prison break, giraffe beheading, intervention, mob take down of a minivan and kidnapping, then the plot just gets silly. Suffice to say, roofie-king Alan being trusted in solo company with a small child doesn’t stick out as the worst of the scenes to follow.
Todd Phillips seems to have forgotten everything about what made us love his original Hangover. I suppose that’s gonna happen when your career hit-to-miss ratio is so poor. The worst part of that statement is during the credit roll, we get an extra scene with a classic Hangover set-up. Are you kidding me? I’ve been waiting an entire film to get some of the title-promised goofy morning-after intrigue and it comes during the closing credits?! *sigh* Better late than never, I suppose. Biggest problem with Hangover III is not the failed Hangover scenario, but the reliance on two characters I find fairly abhorrent. But do take back one kadam for Melissa McCarthy’s wonderful cameo as a lonely Vegas pawn shop operator. Melissa, this is what I want your career to be. Identity Thief is the kind of vehicle which leads to a license suspended indefinitely. Now let’s see what awesome career choice you’re gonna follow this with … dammit! Do you want people to hate you?
Wolfpack reconvenes
What trust would you give one who
Slipped you a roofie?
Rated R, 100 Minutes
D: Todd Phillips
W: Todd Phillips & Craig Mazin
Genre: Phoned-in sequel
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Zach Galifianakis
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Non-roofied viewers
