Grown Ups 2 bookends with Adam Sandler home in bed. In the opening scene, an enormous frightened buck pees in Adam’s face and to close the movie, Adam delivers a combination burp-sneeze-fart and celebrates the accomplishment. The deer pee is not something Grown Ups 2 saw fit to recur, but the burp-sneeze-fart is, more-or-less, the theme of the movie. I lost count on the number of characters in on this particular “joke.”
As this film is a 100% plotless collection of immaturity, I spent much of the 101 minutes trying to figure out who was missing. You see, Grown Ups followed the adult exploits of a successful peewee basketball team, but as Grown Ups 2 had only four major players (Sandler, Chris Rock, David Spade, Kevin James), well, who was missing? I had to look it up. The answer is Rob Schneider. Why was Rob unable to make Grown Ups 2? Did he die at the end of the first? That doesn’t sound right? Maybe he’s too busy. Is his schedule booked solid? Oh, that’s a good one. No, seriously, why no Rob?
The important part is it doesn’t matter; this assortment of individuals is fully incapable of entertaining me at this time. The weirdest part of Grown Ups 2 is the realization that Taylor Lautner as a frat bully (and not any of the leading men) is the screen presence who demands the most attention. Wow. Suck on that, Sandler. And even then, the scenes are … there’s no other way to put it but … wrong. Lautner gets his frat buddies to bully the quartet into jumping naked off a quarry cliff. OK, yes I see the frat v. townie rivalry established in Breaking Away isn’t dead. But if you think about it … if you were a collegian, would you want to see Kevin James naked? Yeah, I get the insult-to-injury part, but there’s a weird sexual element here that just doesn’t jive. Speaking of which, Nick Swardson once again proves that he will do anything so long as a camera is pointed at him.
Of all the bad moments in Grown Ups 2, of all the bullying, bad parenting and lecherous male behavior and poop jokes, however, one moment sticks out above all others, especially as it served as climax. Lenny (Sandler) had a childhood bully. This bully is played as an adult by professional tough guy Steve Austin. In “comic” fashion, Lenny reminisces about bad times in Jr. High and then points out how he would smack Austin around if given the chance now. As this is a movie, Austin is around and taunts Lenny mercilessly, not unlike the way Lenny’s own child is bullied at 
school. After all talk and no walk, Lenny decides at his big party that he’s had enough and it’s time to challenge former World Wrestling Champion Stone Cold Steve Austin to hand-to-hand combat. There are two things to like about this moment – 1) he’s teaching his son to stand up to a bully and 2) he’s finally confronting his issue rather than side-stepping it, but look at all the bad lessons that being taught here: 1) how important it is to hold a grudge for decades 2) how important it is to talk smack about a foe 3) how not to behave like a grown up and most importantly 4) that problems should be solved with violence and 5) (no American kid needs to learn the following) violent resolution often yields a positive result. You pick a fight with Steve Austin, you should expect to be wearing a toe tag.
Grown Ups 2 isn’t about toe tags or real lessons. It’s about immature men behaving immaturely. It’s also a last gasp of desperate sub-A level talents like David Spade, Ellen Cleghorne, Colin Quinn, Dan Patrick, and Shaquille O’Neal trying desperately to cling to the tiny amount of fame they have remaining in this iteration of life hoping, hoping, hoping against hope that at least one sad sack out there will remember a different time when said person actually entertained us and smile. And memory is all that remains because there aren’t any smiles here.
Sandler and crew like to show up
Inspiring their fans to say, “grow up.”
Acting like jerks
A third in the works?
I think I’m going to throw up
Rated PG-13, 101 Minutes
D: Dennis Dugan
W: Fred Wolf, Tim Herlihy and Adam Sandler
Genre: Arrested development
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Urination enthusiasts
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Me
