So what’s next? Trains? Hydrofoils? Skateboards? I have this idea of a plucky young Segway who wants to compete in the Segway nationals (at Happy Acres retirement community, Pensacola, FL). “Pacey” is young, but he has the grit of a veteran Segway, and if he can just overcome his natural desire to showboat and his fear of dentures, he could win it all for the love of Scoliosa, his girlfriend the wheelchair.
First, some general issues: I don’t understand what the cars/planes live on. I don’t understand the role of replacement parts. (Is a new engine like a heart transplant? Does a car/plane ever really die?) I don’t understand how there’s any green in this universe. I don’t understand why planes would be excited to see other planes fly. Do humans get excited to watch humans run? Only once every four years, and even then … And I don’t understand why it was so necessary to remake Cars.
I have already put more time into this than Disney people put into Planes.
Dusty Crophopper (voice of Dane Cook; yeah, there’s a good sign) is a … dusty crophopper. He dreams of flying in the nationals with the big boys. To me, this is Peter Dinklage wanting to play middle linebacker for the Chicago Bears or a snail wishing to win the Indy 500; it just ain’t gonna 
happen. It is however, awful, to spoil a dream so let him dream. Encouraged by one less-than-intuitive friend [read: Tow Mater] and his own sense of self, he enters a competition where, despite rambunctious heckling, Dusty manages to qualify for the big world racing championship on a technicality. And, after qualifying, Dusty acquires a mentor [read: Doc Hudson] and a montage. Now he’s ready to fly with the bigger, better, faster, flashier, more aerodynamic, more seasoned, more rugged, more prepared planes, who were not only built for this purpose, but who also aren’t afraid of heights. Yeah, that was a nice touch, huh?
I’m all for the underdog, but is this really the message you want to send? Having a dream and a montage is all it takes? Part of me is ecstatic that Pixar didn’t tarnish their image with this underimagined sequel. Pixar would have put Planes in the comic-but-believable range. Lightning McQueen is already a race car. The Incredibles had super powers. To love this version of the story, you have to be in the kind of daydream world where you assume things like the Iraqi people will greet the U.S. army as liberators. Pixar would have made it smarter.
That being said, what’s wrong with Planes? I mean other than it’s a sad remake of Cars? A few mechanical issues got to me. The first is the “Amazing Race” nature of the staged competition – no matter how disparate the finish from the previous day, the flyers all seem to be bunched together during the next race. How likely is that? Here, you’ve got a crop duster – it’s not built for speed or aerodynamics, so wherever his heart is, he’s playing from a position of weakness. Add to that the fact that he won’t fly high, where it’s more efficient and faster AND he helps out racers in trouble at the expense of his own run. How is he ever able to catch up? Another big problem is short cuts. Above a certain level, the Earth doesn’t have obstructions. How can anyone “take a shortcut” or “make up time” without passing the other racers? Did he take a more direct route? Are they required to fly blindfolded? Fly the other way around the Earth? It doesn’t make any sense. Third huge problem is the altitude adjustment. How is Dusty able to take advantage of using the jet stream where other competitors do not? Did other planes not think of this? Other planes, that is, who race for a living and fly at much higher altitudes naturally? They didn’t think of flying a tad higher? I know this is a kid movie, but I think at this rate, you’re encouraging kids to be morons.
Oh, he’s a plucky young crop duster
With all the gumption he can muster
Want a new tale
That’s where you’ll fail
You’re bound to be all a fluster
Rated PG, 91 Minutes
D: Klay Hall
W: John Lasseter, Klay Hall and Jeffrey M. Howard
Genre: Second verse, same as the first
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The child who was too young to see Cars 2 in a theater
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The parent who sat through a video of Cars 20 times already.
