I do hope the U.K. Pork Products Council had fair warning for the volume of Grade A Ham Sir Anthony Hopkins dished out with his appearance in Red 2. Hopkins embarrassment on screen leads the viewer repeatedly to whitewash the present and remind himself that this guy once was the best villain in silver screen history. That seems surprisingly long ago now.
There are times in your life when you realize you’re just not in sync with the crowd. Let me illustrate: John Malkovich appears on screen wearing Carmen Miranda-type headgear. To the right of me, the group felt this was perhaps the most hilarious visual they had ever seen. So fraught with mirth and joy, the idea of John Malkovich donning a fruit salad on his pate invoked laughter so forceful as almost vomit-inducing. I, on the other hand, stared. I kinda thought Samuel L. Jackson voicing a tough-talking snail is kinda funny. But that didn’t make me laugh either. This? I guess it’s fair to say I’m not yet target audience for Red 2.
Thank goodness.
Here’s what I remember about the original Red: Retired, Extremely Dangerous hitman Bruno loves Mary-Louise. Several namedrops later 
including Helen Mirren there’s a violent happy ending of sorts. Oh, and John Malkovich is batshit crazy. Playing to type, I see. Now, here’s what I remember about Red 2: Still Retired, Extremely Dangerous hitman Bruno is love-crazy-protective of Mary-Louise. Several namedrops later including Helen Mirren, there’s a violent happy ending of sorts. Wait, wait. There’s a little more: former bomb maker Anthony Hopkins overacts almost to the extent one can overact. And, in Red 2, Marvin (Malkovich) fakes his death in the opening scene, and then is treated as the voice of reason for the remainder. I’m sorry, but I simply cannot play along with this story line. Enjoy, fogies; I hope when I’m your age the pathetic action-comedies pandering to my generation will be a bit more intelligent.
Edit: oh, wait, there is one really cool origami-style assassination in this film delivered by Byung-hun Lee. I’m not sure it counts because Lee is under the age of 700.
Old folks bringing the muscle
With humor as in Kung Fu Hustle
Exciting” you say?
“Really made your day”
I don’t see what’s all the fuss-le
Rated PG-13, 116 Minutes
D: Dean Parisot
W: Jon Hoeber & Erich Hoeber
Genre: Old folks bringin’ it. What ‘it’ is and where they’re bringin’ ‘it’ to? Who the f*** knows.
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Are you over 70?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “Was Bruce Willis that guy from A Good Day to Die Hard?”
