I’m guessing Gore Verbinski’s dictionary doesn’t contain the word “thrifty” … or “economical” … or “prudent.” The man is living proof that anything can fail to entertain if you leave it running long enough. His latest failure is The Lone Ranger – a film that reminds us Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter can, once again, function perfectly well without Tim Burton. Why do you still have to be together, guys? Is there some sort of sick symbiotic thing going on here that requires you two to constantly be in the same film no matter what?
Johnny Depp is Tonto. Good for him. I forget the name of Helena Bonham Carter’s character. She made the poster, which is a pretty good trick considering her minute role. The film is about the development of Ranger John Reid (Armie Hammer) from the kind of lawman you’d deliberately jaywalk in front of just to get a rise to The Lone Ranger, badass of the wild west. Can’t say I was sold on the transition or conclusion. I kinda just kept waiting for 
Armie to show some badassery. And when that didn’t happen, I tried to remember what I knew of Lone Ranger from my youth. Was he a badass? Not sure. I remember a lot of riding and occasional shooting and maybe some fisticuffs.
So what did this Lone Ranger have? Riding, shooting, train hijinks and Johnny Depp constantly feeding peanuts to the stuffed bird he wears on his head. I can’t fault Gore for trying to entertain. This story is all told in a flashback as we begin smackdab in San Francisco at the time of Golden Gate Bridge construction. Ancient Tonto is a World’s Fair display, which disturbs me: The Lone Ranger consistently begs the question: “Is this racist?” This question has bugged masses since before I was born. Tonto’s condescendingly small comprehension of English language yet unflappable understanding of Caucasian behavior can make for uneasy viewing if interpreted a certain way. I can, however, always get up for a stirring snippet from the William Tell Overture.
Now, how about this Lone Ranger? The meandering-yet-cyclical screenplay here follows the same pattern over and over: Reid is kind of a dick in his holier-than-thou ranger world, then he gets in over his head and Tonto rescues him. When they meet, Tonto rescues Reid from a literal train wreck only to have the latter insist upon keeping Tonto under arrest. That pretty much set the pattern for the first two hours of film. I saw three of four iterations of this dick/rescue repetition on screen. For a Lone Ranger, that guy couldn’t make breakfast without Tonto saving his bacon. I got very restless waiting for a hero to emerge in this film. Is it too much to ask that we have an action film title character worth rooting for? Part of the problem is screenplay; part is that Armie Hammer isn’t ready to be a star quite yet. The Lone Ranger stunts have merit, but honestly, I’m waiting for the inevitable sequel – and even then I’m gonna fall asleep in hour three.
Takes a while to get past the bland
Maybe Tonto can lend a hand
So not long from now the hero will say,
“Hi-yo, Sequel, away!”
Rated PG-13, 149 Minutes
D: Gore Verbinski
W: Justin Haythe, Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio
Genre: Pirates of the OK Corral
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Persons of Deppth
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The impatient
