Hot dog, the White House is under attack, again. President Sawyer (Jamie Foxx) can’t rely on his Secret Service guys (really? No, really? I mean they make you take loyalty oaths -like- every 30 minutes, don’t they?), but he has a guardian angel in otherwise mediocre Cale (Channing Tatum). I like the idea that a black President is so commonplace these days, it’s no longer worth mention. I’ll be really happy when that applies to a woman President, Latino President, Jewish President, atheist President. Well, the last one is never gonna happen; you can pretty much guarantee that.
The lapel pin as a symbol of patriotism thing has got to go. Now. I’m not sure there’s a more stupid and false way of feigning patriotism than wearing a little flag on your suit jacket. Do we honestly believe the President of the United States doesn’t care about his country if he’s not wearing a little flag pin? Really? It’s like some sort of threshold for moronic behavior: “that politician can’t love our country if he’s not wearing a flag!” And yet, when we see Walker (James Woods) detach a minuscule Old Glory from his suit jacket, we know he’s turned. He can’t possibly be a 
good guy if he’s not wearing the pin, now can he?
Built on a mountain of clichés and a large cheese factory, White House Down took a bad premise out to back yard and rolled in it like a pig in slop until there was nothing recognizable except for the cheese. Bad guys attack the White House in an effort to bring about massive war, but one lone man has the power to rescue the President and the country. If you closed your eyes real tight and played make believe, you could almost enjoy Olympus Has Fallen. I make no such promise about White House Down.
This is the kind of movie people parody mercilessly. I’m not sure which part is the worst, but –and I’m sorry for picking on the child here — but I’d say the dishonor belongs to the character of Cale’s 11-year-old daughter, Emily (Joey King). As the parent of a very recently 11-year-old girl, my stomach turned at the following: the moment where estranged dad misses the-big-thing-I-practiced-for, the moment where daddy attempts to buy her affection, the moment where she fails to give in (practicing for teen years, doncha know?), the moment where Emily gushes over a White House tour, the moment where Emily shows up the tour guide with her knowledge of the White House, the moment where she asks a hard-hitting question of the President -on video no less- when he’s expecting a softball, the moment where she defies a gun-toting terrorist, the moment when Walker makes the President choose between Emily and the deaths of millions, the moment where Cale — oh, screw it. This movie blew. The premise is absurd. There isn’t a real character in the film; there are only film characters — people who act distinctly from stilted credo instead of something an actual human might do. There is no end to the mockery this film inspires. It is only possible to enjoy if you have absolutely no sense of jadedness or cynicism. Sorry, I’m choc full o’ both.
♪Our house it has a crowd
There’s always several terrorists
And it’s usually quite loud
Our Prez he’s so house-proud
Only hand guns slow him down
And the press is not allowed
White House, in the middle of Penn Ave
White house, down is aggressively sad ♫
Rated PG-13, 131 Minutes
D: Roland Emmerich
W: James Vanderbilt
Genre: From the pages of the Homeland Security Failblog
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Patriots with no sense of irony
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Thinkers
♪Parody inspired by “Our House”
