I don’t have many rules for film. It seems like I do, but I don’t. Not really. I do have one, and it’s a biggie: you have to show something that we don’t see on television. Have to. A star, a stunt, a thought, a speech, something. I dragged my ass to the theater; I paid money. You can’t throw something on screen that I can find 24/7 on Lifetime of God channel. You violate rule #1, you can’t get beyond 1.5 stars. Period. Don’t care how well intended or uplifting the message.
So how did The Ultimate Life dig itself out of an ultimate hole? It didn’t. This is the kind of crap I imagine they make you sit through at Sunday School. The movie is a story-within-a-story, so the middle story can teach a lesson to the outer story, see? In filmmaking terms, it means that neither story was strong enough to compete on its own, so they combined the two in an attempt to fool us. When it comes to being entertained, however, I am rarely fooled.
In the present, Jason Stevens (Logan Bartholomew) has decided to marry a girl who is waaaay too old for him, Alexia (Ali Hillis). They cover it up by seriously overdoing her make-up. He’s just pulled out the ring, in his private residence, no less, when he’s served a subpoena. Then he leaves, before delivering the question, because, “he’s gotta prepare for court.” And she’s so excited about the proposal, she decides to go by herself to Haiti. And just when I’m thinking, “this is all kinds of wrong,” Jason is given his grandfather’s diary so that he can learn a completely irrelevant lesson to save his doomed proposal.
Next, we get transported to the past and the childhood of teenage Red Stevens (Austin James) -the eventual grandfather- who valiantly runs away from home to save his family from “another mouth to feed.” This despite Red actually having a job (presumably he makes more than he eats, yes?) Red has a dream of being a billionaire he got from a newspaper article about Andrew Carnegie. He carries the article around with him as proof. There is so shockingly little sense in this action, I had to ignore it each of the 17 times it came up. Red stows aboard a train headed west thanks to his new friend Hobo Joe (David Mann). At least, I think they were friends. Red isn’t particularly friendly after getting Joe’s assistance, but he does learn a valuable lesson: Joe is a freak. No, no, that’s not fair.
But when Red awakes on the train, Joe seems either to be doing vector calculus without a chalkboard or signing to dragonflies. No, Joe is counting his gratitudes. CAUTION: LESSON BEING TAUGHT. You see, even a hobo who has nothing is grateful. And every day, Joe counts ten things to be grateful for. Awwwww, I’m so moved. And now I feel like an ungrateful asshole for ever complaining about anything. Thanks, movie.
Red finds a small town in Texas where, he too, falls in love with a girl too old for him (Abigail Mavity). She is also done up like a strumpet to hide the fact she looks like a present day Lea Thompson. Oh, yes, we’re in 1941, by the way. I know because the movie told me and several of the objects on screen are almost authentic. This is one of those films where you count the anachronisms, and I should have, because following the plot and acting was a waste of time.
Out of some weird sense of karma, Red goes to war after Pearl Harbor. I think there was some very conservative message here tying personal belief in nationalism to success, but I think we can ignore it without further pain. While in Italy, Red apparently acquires fifty pounds and a Texan accent. Luckily, he never gets dirty. Never seen men sweat less while laboring in the hot Texan sun. Oh, and wait until his lawyer shows up. It’s rural Texas in 1955 and a black man is defending mineral rights usage on behalf of a white man against
another white man without racial tension of any kind coming to light. Why, where was this bellwether Texas town during the Civil Rights movement? I guess The Ultimate Life wanted to include the ultimate historical fiction.
Worst part about all this is while Red is acquiring his fortune, he’s kind of a dick. Turns out, he forgot gratitude, and now instead he’s in this mess where has a loving wife, four healthy children and billions of dollars. What a predicament. And when movies make you follow a guy who is kind of dick, isn’t terribly interesting, but get what he wants anyway, you kind of start hating the movie. It wasn’t exactly winning me over to begin with. And after all is said and done, this tedious exploration of God’s grace vis-à-vis gratitude is a thinly veiled advertisement for whatever religion is being sold here. You want a buyer? Write a script. A real script.
Tell you what, I’m grateful this film ended; I’m still workin’ on the other nine.
Unrest in the fam’ly Stevens
With gold-diggers tryin’ to get evens
How long did they intend?
Look to faith, my friend
It will end, don’t stop believins
Rated PG, 104 Minutes
D: Michael Landon, Jr. (Where exactly did the angel touch you, Junior?)
W: Cheryl McKay (screen story), Brian Bird, Lisa G. Shillingburg. Seriously, you’ve credited someone differently for “screen story” for an adaptation. Tell me you didn’t spend more than $5 for the rights.
Genre: God
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Strangers with pamphlets
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People who like to be entertained
