I’ll give it to this collection of bad writing, blood and puncturing instruments: I doubt I will ever again hear the phrase, “let’s f*** right next to your dead mother.” That was not only a new sentiment, but I’m guessing a unique one.
Challenging us to answer the question, “Exactly how many awls does one need?” You’re Next used a correct horror set-up (remote house, family reunion, night time, limited cell phone coverage) to show piercings. Many piercings. The weapon of choice for our outside-the-home marauders is crossbow. The crossbow is an effective weapon when Buffy needs to take out a fleeing vampire. Other than that, it’s kinda useless. It’s rarely lethal, has limited range, limited ammo and takes a while to reset. If you take out a family with a crossbow, make sure they’re tied up first. Unfortunately for us, this family is not tied up, and some of them manage to survive the first onslaught with the use of ineffective chair shields. One would think that a family member might deduce from the ineffective shields and the weapon of choice that waiting for the villain to reload probably isn’t the best idea. But that assumes there were good ideas anywhere among this project.
Broken glass, nails, axes, arrows, awls, knives, more knives, even more knives, blenders, pretty much if the producers could correctly identify a sharp edge or point, it was used as a weapon. I feel like I need a tetanus shot just writing that. You know what wasn’t present? Bullets. You know what? Mere use of blood doesn’t actually make for a quality scare.
I’d identify some of the players and makers of this travesty, but I think that would be a severe waste of time. Suffice to say – family attacked, many killed, somebody fights back, lots of blood and a fair amount of boredom which is quite a feat in a film with a body count. The assailants 
wear all black with white animal masks, which can indeed induce a scary effect. As the film drags, however, they remove the masks and identify themselves also as shitty actors, thus losing any stealth scare residual.
You’re Next is the newest member from the grand tradition of crappy horror films with ominous titles like They Live, Alone in the Dark and Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter is Dead. The title has equally as much to do with some foreboding “next” as it had to do with dead babysitters. I find it quite amazing that the writer of this screenplay knew the difference between “you’re” and “your.” Although, wait. Now that I think about it, as the title had nothing to do with the film, I made a great assumption that “you’re” might refer to some ominous threat. There was no distinct pecking order to the murders here, hence the title could have referred to some random possessive, as in: “your next trip to the movies will be far superior to this one,” in which case, he did, indeed, screw up grammatical usage.
A family re-unes among fauns
With siblings set up as pawns
Locked in the inner
All meet at dinner
The menu: carnage and yawns
Rated R, 94 Minutes
D: Adam Wingard
W: Simon Barrett
Genre: Pointy things
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Awl craftsmen
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The sane
