Here’s an idea – what say we have Marty McFly ask Carrie White to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and see what happens? Yes, Carrie is back with her shy disposition, her insane pious mother, her hidden superpower and, most importantly, her deep-seeded fury. Try not to piss her off, Marty.
And I’m going to try not comparing this remake to the 1976 original; the Brian DePalma version is a classic while this one, to be kind, is not. Hence, unless I specify, assume I’m describing the 2013 version in the paragraphs ahead.
Carrie begins with Margaret White (Julianne Moore) dying. Wait. Not dying. Giving birth. She honestly didn’t realize what was going on. That’s a tough one to swallow. This ain’t The Blue Lagoon, motherWhiter. And lemme tell ya, even Brooks Shields knew she was preggers. Upon giving birth, mom is –barely- stayed from murdering her child with scissors. This will be the scariest moment in the film for the next 75 minutes.
The baby, of course, was Carrie (Chloë Grace Moretz), an only child constantly cowed by her scripture-quoting mother. There’s a part here about a background of home schooling; I’m curious to know how that ended – the movie doesn’t tell us. Just as mom didn’t know she was having a baby, Carrie freaks out when discovering period blood in the shower. In an almost aggressively PG-13 girls locker room scene, Chris (Portia Doubleday) leads the girls to kick Carrie while she’s down, pelting her with tampons and shouting “plug it up.” Carrie
is hysterical when Coach Desjardin (Judy Greer) slaps her back to reality.
Having an inopportune puberty is the final straw. Carrie has made a proper enemy of Chris. The latter has her prom rights taken away when protesting her role. This action, of course, sets up the remake of one of the classic scenes in horror film history. Meanwhile, Carrie discovers a little too easily that she’s telekinetic. Well, who’s to say what’s too easy? All I know is one day she’s afraid to set foot in her house, the next she’s locking mom in the closet of shame. With great power comes great responsibility, Carrie White.
Carrie doesn’t have a great deal of logical flow. Chloë Grace plays the title character as inexcusably shy, but hardly the misunderstood pariah you’re looking for to make this tale work. In a normal high school, this Carrie would get by on looks alone. As is, the movie establishes only a one-sided rivalry between she and Chris making me ask in the climax if they could, perhaps, take it outside, as there’s a lot of collateral damage otherwise.
But you know what? I still enjoyed the denouement thoroughly. Even a watered down, PG-13 version. OK, you want an actual comparison? You want the truth?! I’m suspect on your truth-handling abilities, but here goes: this feels like PC Carrie compared to the DePalma — it isn’t as scary by a long shot, the shower scene has no nudity, Sissy Spacek‘s pallid, goggle-eyed, wraith-like appearance has been replaced by somebody you’d proudly take to prom, Carrie isn’t quite the social leper, she isn’t teeming with ill-wishers and she isn’t quite so bullied by her terrible mother. And yet, same conclusion. What a bitch.
Freaky shy girl moves books with her mind
God-fearing mom is as strange as you’ll find
Superfluous remake
One huge mistake?
Let’s not be completely unkind
Rated R, 100 Minutes
D: Kimberly Peirce (“i before e…?”)
W: Lawrence D. Cohen and Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa
Genre: Typical night at the Prom
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Horror novices
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Brian DePalma
