Space sucks. It’s about time we got that out in the open. This is why Star Trek exists – so that we can all pretend this cold, infinite, empty blackness holds “mystery” and “thrill.” What it holds is death; that’s why you can’t pack for space like it’s summer camp. Sorry, I don’t mean to get off on a bad foot for a film I absolutely loved; I’m just presenting that space is the ultimate bait-and-switch – it looks docile and peaceful, but you can’t be there by yourself. Bad things will happen.
Gravity doesn’t waste any time. Screw the foreplay, have some space station. There’s Medical Engineer and astro-novice Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) calibrating an electronic abacus or something to that effect. It could have been an Etch-a-Sketch; I’m not sure. Meanwhile, true astronaut and team leader Matt Kowalski (George Clooney) is busy playing “Ring around the Space Probe.” He’s very comfortable with the whole zero-gravity scene, treating it like a long-married partner. He playfully engages with Houston over 
the space walk record he’s approaching in between oft-repeated personal tales of rejection. Houston counters; they’ve heard the tales and yet the faithful spouse chooses to listen again and again. You dance with who brung ya (or vice-versa in this case).
In ten minutes, all lives are changed forever. A “no big deal” Russian missile becomes, “ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!” Suddenly, Gravity takes on a different meaning, the one you use to describe situations in which you’re f***ed. We don’t quite know what’s going on until an entire field of metal hurtles straight towards the station, ripping to shreds everything in its path.
Er, now just a sec, I gotta question because, well, it’s what I do. What are the odds of this? I mean, the surface area of the earth is 510 million square kilometers. The surface area of the satellite orbit plane above the earth is even larger. I’m no NASA scientist, and I do understand that because of relative gravitational pull every satellite has to hover above earth along roughly the same gravitational plane, but really, what are the odds the killing path of a random set of objects generously calculated at 50 KM wide will hit a stationary target? It’s like a 747 losing control over Oklahoma and charting a straight path into the Sears Tower in Chicago. But this is a movie, so not only does it charge straight into the space station, it returns every 90 minutes for another bite.
Stranded is one thing when you’re in, say, Iowa or East Los Angeles or even Outer Mongolia. Stranded above earth’s atmosphere? Oh my. Low on Oxygen? Deadly objects racing towards you on a cyclical basis? No means of return? You’re in trouble. But, hey, the view is great. I imagine it’s like being attacked by a rare white tiger. Sure, you’ll die, but isn’t she a beauty? Gravity is a gorgeous deathtrap. See it on the biggest, loudest, 3D-est screen ya got. Can’t guarantee you’ll love it like I did, but that’s the way it was meant to be enjoyed.
♪I can’t stand to fly
Well beyond the sphere
Folks weren’t meant to hamg
With oxygen not here
I’m only hu-man in a silly white suit
Hoping there’s some other parachute
Only human with a self breathing tank
Looking for somebody else to thank
And it’s not easy … to live in space♫
Rated PG-13, 90 Minutes
D: Alfonso Cuarón
W: Alfonso Cuarón, Jonás Cuarón
Genre: Space peril
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: NASA Engineers
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Mole people
♪Parody inspired by “Superman”
