Sofía Vergara sports a strap-on shotgun. I’m not sure I even have to say any more, do I? I mean, look here: I’m going to write a review, but if you don’t know whether or not you want to see Machete Kills after I say, “in Machete Kills, Sofía Vergara, the Columbian actress on Modern Family with the enormous rack and the ridiculous accent, wears an artificial prosthetic penis-simulated sex accessory that has, in lieu of a dildo, a small functioning cannon she fires by thrusting her pelvis” well, I honestly feel sorry for you. It’s possible you’ll never reach any decisions in your lifetime. For you, life must be a never-ending queue of head-scratchers like, “paper or plastic?” and “Coke or Pepsi?”
Robert Rodriguez is back, which is great, because his movies are always filled with sex, violence and fun. Rodriguez continues to be among the most underrated directors in the biz. I mean, seriously, who else could make Danny Trejo a successful leading man? Think about it. The idea of making a thug vehicle is hardly new – history has held starring roles for the likes of Richard Kiel, Mr. T, Vinnie Jones and Kathy Bates among others. But making an entertaining film with one of those brutes carrying the workload? Now that’s a trick.
Danny Trejo is probably the ugliest man ever to get a sequel. Other candidates? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
Hey, maybe I should describe the actual film. Meh. Does it matter? Machete Kills is about this dude named Machete (Trejo) who kills. Deep, huh? You probably know everything you need to know about this film from the opening two scenes in which Machete stands in 
the crossfire of federal troops and local banditos and survives, but loses love-of-his-life, Jessica Alba. Aw. Blamed for her murder, Machete is treated to the hospitality of the local Sheriff (William Sadler). Dangling from the noose in the middle of the sheriff’s office, Machete proves creepy. Exceptionally creepy. He continues to scowl as his eyes follow Sadler menacingly around the room. It’s hard to kill Machete. You should know that. The execution is interrupted by President Charlie Sheen. He needs Machete to kill. Luckily, this is something Machete does. Machete doesn’t blink, sing, dance, text, or many other characteristics known to humankind, but he does kill.
The fake trailer for Machete Kills Again … in Space to start this silliness was a thing of unbridled hilarity. This franchise started as pure parody – a throw away to highlight the Grindhouse double, and yet it has become a weird testimonial to the power of diversity. Danny Trejo isn’t a leading man. We know that. Surround him with enough sex, hyperbole and mock-filled cameos (Mel Gibson, Anotnio Banderas, Lady Gaga, Cuba Gooding, etc.) and you got yourself first class entertainment in a deliberately-chosen second-hand package. I hope the Machete franchise is as sturdy as its namesake.
He can’t be killed
For so much blood spilled
His coroner ain’t thrilled
Machete
Violence on demand
Directed or unplanned
Hey, ain’t death grand?
Machete
Give him your say so
Not into day-glo
Face made of play-doh
Machete
Rated R, 107 Minutes
D: Robert Rodriguez
W: Kyle Ward
Genre: Fundeath
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Quentin Tarantino
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: B&W nostalgia hounds
