It’s storytime, kiddies: in the 80s, I was into metal. I dunno if “into” is quite the right word, but I did own several LPs and went to my share of concerts, my favorite among the latter being a Thursday night mosh pit at the Cow Palace while being enveloped by Iron Maiden. That’s not something everybody can say. School the following day was AWESOME! “What’s that? Sorry, can’t hear a thing. You’re gonna have to call on somebody else.”
For years, the Oakland Coliseum’s “Day on the Green” was advertised as the pinnacle of the concert year. The Coliseum held outdoor multi-band summer concerts to take advantage of the quality weather and the almost unlimited ticket sales. In late August of 1985, I finally got to go to one. The acts for this particular show were Metallica, Rising Force, Y&T, Ratt and The Scorpions. ‘Pions were the headliner and went last, well after sunset. The show literally took all day. Somewhere in the middle of that hot summer day, Dave Meniketti of Y&T tried to start a chant of “TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!” which in my memory goes down as the very worst mass chant attempt of all time. But I digress…
I was a Scorpions fan. Earlier that year, I had purchased the Scorpions World Wide Live album despite the less-than-rave reviews. I had enjoyed it; my critical skills were mired in relative infancy at the time. In fact, I had listened to it enough times to memorize song order. I’d listened to band after band that outdoor morning/afternoon/evening for about 10 hours by the time the headliner was ready. Nice to be a teen; after enduring all that, I could still show energy and excitement. As the Scorpions entered the stage and started playing, I noted with a grin the opening track “Countdown” was the same as the album starter. Well, sure, why not? I bet the ‘Stones begin every concert with “Start Me Up.” Then “Coming Home,” “Blackout,” and “Bad Boys Running Wild” in succession (same as on the LP) kind of annoyed me. This was no accident; the Scorpions were playing their album. I sighed and began predicting every song. That, however, wasn’t the limit of the pain; I also anticipated every cadence, shout, and even the audience participation portion. Far as I could tell, they played the album and lip synced. By the end of that concert … by the end of Day on the Green in the summer of 1985, I not only no longer gave a shit about The Scorpions, I no longer gave a shit about Heavy Metal. The following day, I turned on an Oldies station and listened to Buddy Holly and the Beach Boys whenever the mood struck. In one pathetic evening, The Scorpions had ruined an entire genre of music for me.
This was not Metallica’s fault, of course. That band still had its best years to come, not that I knew nor cared. And 27 years later, they’re still doing concerts and movies. Metallica Through the Never is a little of both. There’s a concert piece where James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich, Kirk Hammett and Robert Trujillo play to a sold out arena. The stage is in the middle of a sold out concert stadium and the players spread out to the extremes as if each is performing his own little concert to his personal 33% of the arena (drummer Ulrich sits in the middle). The style is loud and fast. How these guys avoided carpal tunnel is well beyond my imagination. Occasionally, they remember they’re a band and two members will come play next to each other, but it looks like they’re simply exchanging tips: 
“Oooh, that ‘s a neat chord; I think I’ll try it.” “What’s that pick you got James?” “This old thing? I only use it when I don’t care how I play.”
And they sing about death. Constantly. It’s kind of their thing, I think. One number in particular is a serenade to a gravesite, while another has raftered props of people fighting to break out of coffins. I’d find it a tad on the morose side, but, let’s face it, after the harmony of One Direction, the sweat of Dave Matthews, the angst of Justin Bieber and the bizarre sexual hose metaphor of the Jonas Brothers, I was kind of relieved to see a movie band that didn’t care about romance or self-esteem.
Another telling difference is Metallica doesn’t seem to care that you know who they are as people. Interspliced through and between numbers, an actual movie ran about roadie/gofer punk Trip (Dane Dehaan) on a mission to retrieve a McGuffin while This Is the End, part 2 starts happening all around him in an otherwise empty downtown. I’m not sure if the sledge hammer wielding masked rider is supposed to be among the horsemen of the apocalypse, but I do know Dane sure could have used those powers he had in Chronicle. The dramatic portion is a fair mirror of the music; there’s attack and blood and death and people strung up in mass noosed gaggles. Meanwhile, on stage, there’s a pretty good recreation of a strafing run and then what has to be a staged accident in which two crew members are hospitalized. What do you suppose it would take for a Metallica audience to realize it’s not part of the show? Seriously? How would they know? I bet you could have human sacrifice on the Metallica stage and the fans would continue cheering so long as there were music to follow. It was nice of the Producers to care enough not to show us a concert documentary, but I ain’t approvin’ until Metallica does Bollywood.
♪Say your prayers til it’s done
Don’t forget, it’s no fun
This ain’t Direction, One
Settle in, we begin
Keep you in constant din
Like you’re under the gun
Sleep with both eyes open
All these songs sound alike
Exit right
Death is trite
When you’ve planned
Heavy metal on demand♫
Rated R, 93 Minutes
D: Nimród Antal
W: Nimród Antal, Kirk Hammett, James Hetfield, Robert Trujillo, Lars Ulrich
Genre: Dramatic metal
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Fans of Metallica
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Fans of Justin Bieber
♪Parody inspired by “Enter Sandman”
