No, it doesn’t make any sense that Jackie Chan is a world class thief escaping through a hedge maze. Because if I even gave the slightest bit of credence to the idea some special operator can elude security cameras, encroach with neither sound nor footprint, break an encrypted secret-panel hidden code with a team of high tech abettors can yet somehow get trapped in a hedge maze on the way out, I’d have to call that the silliest thing I’ve heard all year.
Every time I see a Jackie Chan movie, I am amazed by two things: 1) Jackie does his own stunts and 2) The plot is incomprehensible. Next April, Jackie will be 60 years old. If, before Chinese Zodiac, he’s been on wheels, I guess I missed that film. That didn’t stop him from filming the first ten minutes as a human skateboard. Wheels on chest, legs, arms, head, feet, back, butt, knees, he would roll in a tar pit. It’s a marvelous opening. Didn’t understand what was going on, of course, but loved it all the same.
Chinese Zodiac actually bookends with stunts so Bond-like –the climax is a parachute battle—that one might actually feel a little cheated; Jackie Chan films exist for the purpose of Jackie Chan making a game of martial arts. That’s the point. When he’s battling in a photography studio, you can bet that tripods and umbrellas will be used as ninja weapons. You can also bet that some un-glamour 
shots will be taken. The man has a passion for self-deprecating humor. Is there a point to Jackie jumping through an empty frame, punching back and then posing? Probably not. All the same, this is what we count on when Jackie shows up.
This film came sooooo close to having a straightforward plot I’m almost embarrassed for it. There are stolen bronze busts of the animals of the Chinese Zodiac. Jackie has to track them down. You really don’t need any more than that, do you? You’ve got action, planning, motivation. Sure, throw in a love story or a daughter in peril or something if you must. That isn’t good enough, of course. I didn’t know whether Jackie was good guy or bad guy. He’s a thief; is he working for the Chinese government, making him a “good” thief? He steals from bad people, I think. While lifting the first two busts, he also cases the room for more good stuff to grab. That’s not noble. And yet, as in every Jackie Chan film, we always come back to him battling for noble reasons. When he gets caught, Interpol lets him go that very afternoon. WTF? I don’t understand. Is Olivar Platt a good guy? Why is he in this film? What’s with the pregnant lady? The estranged daughter? The French art heiress? Are they good? Are they bad? Does it matter? I treat all Jackie Chan films as: Jackie is a good guy. When he, or anybody working with him at the present moment in time, succeeds, we are happy. If you care too much about “why?” the film will implode.
As will my head.
♪Baby, you’ll come kicking in my front door
Using that safe kung fu that you did before
Now just what is it I’m supposed to do?
I only stole a measly statue or two.
So you sic the dogs we he touches down
Just because he’s part hero, part clown
Stop dragon my
Stop dragon my
Stop dragon my Chan around♫
Rated PG-13, 109 Minutes
D: Jackie Chan
W: Frankie Chan, Jackie Chan, Edward Tang, Stanley Tong
Genre: Jackie Chan
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Channites
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Plot people
♪Parody inspired by “Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around”
