Ants! Big ants! And they suck! So we’re gonna fight them with … children. Yeah, children. Ok, you gotta get over that part. I say, “you.” I mean, “me.” Big intelligent space ants fly fighter planes and stuff. Yes. So what do we do to fight ‘em off? State instituted Lord of the Flies. In space. Sure, that’s only natural. Why didn’t I think of that?
Wait. Sorry. I’m not getting past the children part. The wisdom here is that our future battles will be fought by children because children are more in tune with bugs?! Well, gee, why stop there? Why have adults at all? What’s the point of a battle ground training facility being run by adults when the kids have to fight the battles? See what I’m getting at? If conflict resolution is best solved by the minds of the young, why have any elder influence in the process at all? I ask too many questions.
Ender Wiggin (Asa Butterfield) — wow, that is a terrible name. Which one? Take your pick – is recruited for being a psychopath showing wisdom in his failure to stop pummeling a defeated opponent. The military is encouraged by your brutality, young sir. Colonel Graff (Harrison Ford) nabs Ender and earmarks him for squadron leader, in turn, making it clear to every.other.recruit that Ender is special and worthy of your scorn. Ender’s Game, it would appear, is one of simple survival. Actually, however, this title refers to Ender’s tactical prowess. I find it ironic that the writer/director sees the wisdom of the child as the one to pull us through out future crises, and yet I find no child among the writing credits. So … only adults can imagine that children have the imagination to defeat a strange opponent? I find that hard to believe.
Isolated by circumstance, his unique skill set, and the dread lack of conformity, Ender gets passed around the space station like a doobie in order that Viola Davis can show motherly concern. Such is exacerbated when he is forced into Bonzo’s battalion. 
“Bonzo?” Really? As in “Bonzo Goes to College – And Becomes a ROTC Asshole?” I gotta say, I usually don’t comment on appearance – movies are the place where magic happens, where E.T. flies, where a 12-year-old can close for the Cubs, where Jake chooses Samantha … but the market for an ill-favored hook-nosed sub-five-foot Napoleon … I just don’t see it. I mean, I guess we’ll always need bridge trolls as fantasy foils. Enjoy your moment in the sun, Moises Arias. I’m setting the odds that I’ll repeat your name again outside the context of Ender’s Game at roughly 5,000 to 1 against.
So, to sum up, if you can accept the premise of resting our planetary survival on the prepubescent, the blatant Starship Troopers plot rip-off, the military sacrifice of children, training them in a zero-gravity Chuck E Cheese, posing a bland introvert as the hero and blindly accepting three months of xbox will prove equally as useful as the real thing, then Ender’s Game is an absolute gem. Enjoy.
♪I don’t mind
Giants ants “ dancin’ ” with my world
It’s fine, I got a plan to unfurl.
And I know sometimes I must get them out to fight
In order to save planet Earth with children, let us pray …
The kids are all bright♫
Rated PG-13, 114 Minutes
D: Gavin Hood
W: Gavin Hood
Genre: KIDS IN SPAAAAAAAAAACE
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Your military-minded 12-year-old
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: What? You have a problem with a military led by children?
♪Parody inspired by “The Kids Are Alright”
Okay Jim, I know people always say this, but you hafta read the book. It all makes sense and is completely awesome. This and its sequel Speaker for the Dead (which will now likely never get made into a film because of this turd) are my two favorites sci-fi books of all time, and I’ve read many, too many. I’ve been waffling over whether to see the movie because I didn’t want it to soil my experience, and I think your review has finally made up my mind, so thanks.