Doncha want to avoid the word “turkey” when you make a film? I don’t want to tell you how to do your job … except at the times when I do. Free Birds is just full of turkeys. Not a single one really looks or acts like any turkey I know, but then I’m not an animated meal.
Reggie the Turkey (voice of Owen Wilson) has been pardoned by the President. I always think it’s cute with the CIC makes this quintessentially empty gesture. As Reggie is home watching Pay-per-view … I’m sorry, the pardon comes with a house and TIVO? Sure, why not. As Reggie is watching TV, he gets abducted by Jake (Woody Harrelson) a much larger, more aggressive and athletic [read: moronic] wild turkey. The wild turkey is larger than the one who has been fattened for eating purposes, huh? Ok, I’m taking a lot on faith here, and I’m not even up to the time machine. Given proof positive with a door knob (don’t ask), Reggie has been sent by “The Great Turkey” to save the turkey population. Oh, and not just the current turkey population. The idea is to go back in time and get turkeys off the Thanksgiving menu.
If you’re gonna dream, dream big.
I believe the point should be to get turkeys off every menu, not just Thanksgiving, but it’s not my movie. Free Birds is an exercise in rewriting misunderstood history for the kids, so they can misunderstand it to a greater extent. Consider Thanksgiving without the turkey. Now consider American existence without the eating of turkeys. Can’t really do it. Is Free Brids trying to tell me that starving settlers and native Americans alike would otherwise never discover turkeys were delicious? As long as we’re wattle-deep in fiction, let me continue…
Naturally, there is a time machine, and the turkeys can get access to it. In retrospect, the latter is the greatest paradox in the film – it’s best if you not try to parse how and why two turkeys can get access to a time machine. But somewhere out there is 
deep-thinking 5-year-old who is very confused and probably upset. S.T.E.V.E. (voice of George Takei; who doesn’t love George Takei these days? Has any other celebrity quite embraced the modern age of endearing self-promotion? I think not) happily walks these bird brains through time travel. There are jokes here that children will like. I think. And Jake’s rivalry with another Alpha bird in Pilgrim-land made for a palatable subplot. Personally, I enjoyed the part where Reggie goes back to the future to encourage himself along a certain path, and then a third Reggie reappears to reinforce the second Reggie, and then fourth Reggie asks for a group hug to appreciate the awesomeness of there being four of himself at the same place and point in time. I have no trouble imagining this is exactly what Owen Wilson would do if he had a time machine.
There’s nothing of significance in this film. I’d normally say it’s likely to steer your child to a deliberate misrepresentation of history … but chances are (s)he’s already there. Jive turkeys aren’t going to sway the needle from good to evil. I didn’t even cover this part: is the Great Turkey a hoax? Is the Great Pumpkin a hoax? Is Santa a hoax? Why is this time of the year rife for introducing and denouncing mythological super beings? Who’s next? The Great Equinox? The Great Dreidel? The Great Battleship Arizona?
This entry, is it a hoax? What if all my memories of film are self-generated? What if I’m the only person who reads this? Screw it; I entertain me.
♪If we leave here tomorrow
For the time of buckled hats
Could we save all the turkeys
And replace with pickled bats?
But if we stayed in the present
And indulged in Angry Birds
Would there be complete silence
Or would Owen just spout words? Oh, oh, oh, oh
Would Owen just spout words?
Would Owen just spout words?
Lord knows he’d just spout words♫
Rated PG, 91 Minutes
D: Jimmy Hayward
W: Jimmy Hayward, Scott Mosier
Genre: Jive turkeys
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Underage vegans, maybe
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Native Americans
♪Parody inspired by “Free Bird”
